Author’s note: I’m pretty sure this was never published. It seems somewhat ill advised and a little sexist now.
The Government confirmed today that research into car accidents had identified that the “vast majority” occurred whilst the driver was distracted in some way. Road hazards are said to include talking on mobile phones, singing along to car radios and ogling women at the side of the road with skimpy tops and large breasts – although, mysteriously, this only appears to affect male drivers, particularly those driving vans. However, the study has found the most lethal hazard – talking willy nilly to passengers – can be more dangerous than drink driving – even after just 6 pints.
It had previously been believed that car passengers took note of the surroundings and road conditions and were aware of the safety issues involved, thereby alerting a driver to oncoming danger. However, it appears that the majority of passengers and drivers, typically male and female partners, spend their entire time arguing about the speed of travel, the appropriateness of the hand signal just given to another driver and the map reading ability of the navigator. These frequently lead to conflict between driver and passenger. This conflict is often exacerbated if the parents of either partner are present in the back seat. Comments such as “Of course in my day men never swore at other drivers” or “Did I tell you his first girlfriend was at school with a Duchess, you know?” simply add to the tension.
The new laws being drafted will tackle these problems head on. It is believed that they will require all new cars for sale in Britain to contain a sound proofed cubicle surrounding the driver to prevent him or her from being distracted by the continual and sometimes intense chatter in the car. The laws also require appropriate phrases to be pumped into the cubicle at random points along the journey. They are intended to be a combination of alerts and road-rage reducing soothers. Initial phrases are believed to be:
“LOOK OUT”
“30 Miles an hour is the limit and not necessarily the recommended speed”
“It’s not a race you know”
“Ten-to-two or quarter to three. Not half-past six”
“I think we should have taken that last left turn”
“I don’t think that was a very good idea. He’s a lot bigger than you and he doesn’t look very pleased”
Pilot studies using London’s black cabs have already been a stunning success. Several cab drivers were unaware that the enthusiastic agreement of the passenger with his views on hanging, immigrants and football were actually computer-generated responses to certain key-words. Passengers are also delighted that usual cockney-banter is now replaced by a guided commentary of the sights of London recorded by Dame Judi Dench, although several Americans were reportedly surprised that their route required them to pass Buckingham Palace 15 times.
Punishments under the new law are still to be established but at present the Police are currently limited to placing the offending driver and passenger in opposite corners in the back of a Police van facing the wall with their fingers on their lips until they have learned their lesson. Police are urging a new “Driving whilst talking” law which will require those found guilty to have to drive round with their Mother-in-Law telling them why their son or daughter is too good for them without losing control of the vehicle in a 30 minute period.
Road safety campaigner Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush gave a cautious welcome to the proposals and promised to give a full statement “just as soon as he had dropped his wife’s Mother off”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 