Author’s note: Ooh, I liked this article. I wanted to write something about the nascent anti-immigration movement, that ultimately ended in Brexit and spied an opportunity based on the soon-to-be-launched Euro. We actually received a letter worrying that it was making fun of the Holocaust and I had to explain that I was using the Holocaust to illustrate where anti-immigration policies often end up. Also note my rather clever use of Stirling to mimic the Christian name, which Tom kept changing to Sterling.
David Blunkett announced immediate action today to combat the “tide of non-UK currencies” that are sweeping into Britain. “Currencies of different denominations, colours and cultures are in danger of swamping our economy. We must take urgent action to preserve the British way trading”
In one evening the Brains Trust witnessed hundreds of currencies from across Europe breaking through flimsy currency exchanges and fleeing across the channel tunnel into the UK. We interviewed two desperate refugees known only as Frank and Mark who explained their plight to us.
“There was a time when we were welcome throughout our homelands,” Frank told us. “In every home in the country people would be delighted to let us in. Shops, restaurants, banks – even politicians – they couldn’t get enough of us. But then suddenly some sinister extremist forces began to take over in the heart of Europe. At first it was a bit of a joke, no one thought it would ever happen. But then people began to talk about a single currency, a master race that would sweep throughout Europe. Then discriminatory laws began to appear. We could only meet each other at fixed exchange rates. There were maximum numbers of us that could work in government. Adverts appeared denouncing us and calling for people to hand us over to the authorities. I felt devalued”
At this point Frank broke down and Mark continued. “It was then that the real trouble started. They passed laws declaring that we would be illegal after a certain date. They would only recognise the Euro as the chosen race, a single pure strain that was superior to all others. Now, we have no legal recognition, we are non-currencies as far as our people are concerned. Even safe havens have become dangerous. Some of my colleagues turned up in a shop and were immediately transported to a sorting centre. God knows what happened to them after that. There are stories of millions of us being disposed of in furnaces. It’s terrifying”
However, the currencies are also having a hard time finding solace in the UK. Many locals are handing them in to the authorities to be transported back to an unknown fate at home. They also face opposition from nationalist currency activists. One such hard currency supporter, known only as “Stirling”, explained his position. “We’re being overtaken by a tide of foreigners. We should only allow in ones that look like us – ones with a Queen’s head on them – except Dale Winton obviously. And they should be forced to swear allegiance to the Bank of England and leave their foreign markets at home. We should chuck all the rest back. Before you know it they’ll be taking over here.”
As the Government promised swift action against the immigrants Tony Blair declared that the UK need not fear for its own currency especially as it was going to get a nice shiny new one soon.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 