Author’s note: Our good friend Ken Livingstone again. This time, God’s gift to the Brains Trust had a punch up at a party where someone was chatting up his partner and smoking. Cue an article about a literal fight for the election…
In a rowdy and ill-tempered press conference this morning, Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, announced that he was ready to take on all comers in the fight for the next mayoral election. Speaking from the new Mayoral Headquarters with its interior bearing a “wholly coincidental” similarity to the Groucho Club, Mr. Livingstone announced that he was looking forward to a “tough, gruelling and probably extremely bloody fight”
With the slogan “Come and have a go if you think your hard enough” Mr Livingstone claimed that he would be adopting an aggressive campaigning strategy that would, if necessary, involve all methods of persuasion including “extreme physical violence”. Mr. Livingstone was accompanied by his team of new US re-election consultants, who would be coaching him in effective people management skills. The lead advisor, Mr. Mike Tyson, confirmed that he was pleased with Mr. Livingstone’s progress and felt that the initial trials on an anti-smoking campaign had gone very well.
The campaign, which involves wrestling anyone holding a cigarette to the ground and then stamping violently on their head “for the good of their health”, was pioneered at a recent party attended by Mr. Livingstone. When questioned whether the policy hadn’t got a bit out of hand after a dissenter had been thrown off a 15 foot wall, Mr. Livingstone denied this and explained that in this case he was testing “a totally different health and safety policy.” He commented “I took this action after noticing the man had appeared to ascend the stairs without holding onto the banister and I hope that my prompt safety reminder will act as a lesson to him not to be so cavalier with his health again.”
Mr. Livingstone then went on to describe a key part of his campaign, demonstrating how Government spending cuts were strangling the city. The demonstration was made with the assistance of the Political Correspondent from the London Evening Standard and two well-aimed “death-chops” to his jugular, which represented “cutting off the lifeblood of our great Capital”. As Mr. Livingstone then delivered several blows to the stunned man’s testicles, he added that these showed how Government policies were hitting Londoner’s where it hurts the most.
Mr. Livingstone confirmed that he was expecting a gruelling campaign and his advisors had set up a rigorous dietary regime to ensure peak performance. The diet consisting solely of Chateaubriand with bernaise sauce washed down by Chateau Pissac ’95, would be particularly tough as “the ’95 is pretty near undrinkable and we’ve run out of the ’96”.
A part-time social worker and Liberal Democrat councillor Christine Jones then made an ill-advised attempt to dissuade Mr. Livingstone from his campaign strategy and offered him counselling, suggesting he “share his pain” with her. In response Mr. Livingstone punched her on the nose with the words “that should give you some fucking idea”
As the press conference then dissolved into a melee of vigorous campaigning including Trevor Philips shouting “did you just spill my pint” before glassing Michael Ward, Mr Livingstone declared himself happy with the start of the campaign, before excusing himself to go and meet some Florida electoral equipment suppliers.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 