Author’s note: A Labour party conference and Ken Livingstone (who had been thrown out for not being New Labour and standing against the hopeless candidate Frank Dobson. Irresistible.
Ken Livingstone has taken the opportunity on his visit to Blackpool to announce his new transport policy for “the whole of the UK” explaining that as “London was the most important part of it, you might as well give me control of the whole bloody lot.”
Mr Livingstone, who had been attending the Labour Party conference in Blackpool so that he could “climb up the Tower and show those Party fuckers my arse”, explained that the new transport policy was the work of several hours intensive review, a number of tequila slammers and at least 2 grams of cocaine. He then went on to present the outline of the policy to the assembled throng of media personalities, union officials and journalists banned from the conference bars.
“Everyone knows that the main problem with transport in this country is that trains don’t run where you want them to at the time you want them to,” Mr Livingstone explained whilst trying to read the label of a bottle of Lytton Springs ’95. “So we shall be replacing the trains with a system of door to door taxis. They shall be based around a central communications hub in the Cricklewood region of London, currently known as Mike’s A1 Mini-Cabs, which coincidentally happens to be next door to my house. These taxis will run along the railway lines currently used by the overcrowded and unreliable trains and can be hailed from anywhere, rather than having to be boarded at stations as previously. The only exception to this will be if “high-priority” taxis are en-route, such as those carrying a London Mayor on his official duty, in which case the general public can bog-off. In addition, stations, which will now be known as coach houses, will be redesigned and outsourced to Marco Pierre White and Gordon Ramsay and will be available for use by hungry or thirsty high-priority taxi users, such as the London Mayor. This brilliant scheme will ensure the immediate upgrading of outdated rolling stock with a fleet of Mondeos and Nissan Sunnys and at a stroke will remove the risk of VIP passengers on journeys of national importance getting held up at the Watford bypass and thereby missing the best canapés.”
As Mr. Livingstone finally managed to uncork the bottle of wine he was holding using a coat hanger, a penknife and a small revolver that he carried to “ensure his personal security”, he went on to outline further transport initiatives. “It seems to me,” he said, waving his revolver uncertainly around and fixing his eye on an Evening Standard journalist at the back of the crowd, “that we could reduce traffic congestion considerably by discouraging cars from the roads and encouraging the use of buses. As such, I will be introducing a system of road tolls requiring motorists to pay £1000 per use of road. Furthermore, I shall be introducing the death penalty for anyone who doesn’t use a bus at least 3 times a day. Such as you fuck-face!” he yelled before loosing off several shots in the direction of the Standard journalist.
As the press conference rapidly dissolved with Mr. Livingstone continuing to fire randomly into the crowd shouting “Keep death off the roads! Vote Ken Livingstone or die!” it was announced that the 11:10PM from Blackpool to London had been delayed.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 