Author’s note: One of our most popular articles! Michael Barrymore had a spectacular fall from grace with an unfortunate chap dying at what appeared to be a gay party (he was “happily married”) at his house. Simultaneously, the UK had published the most ridiculous dossier which claimed Saddam definitely had weapons of mass destruction and could probably get nuclear weapons, which I imagine must be terribly easy to find on eBay.
Michael Barrymore, beleaguered television personality and “most hated man in Britain” could have nuclear weapons “within months, possibly weeks” a shock new report has claimed.
The report, by the independent think tank “Pinko Commie Liberals Must Die”, provides a detailed point by point analysis of the threat posed by Barrymore to world peace. The report claims “definite probable evidence” of his stockpiling of materials necessary to produce chemical, biological and other weapons of mass destruction. In one of its most chilling sections, the report shows how Barrymore could have his hands a nuclear weapons within a frighteningly short period of time. “If Barrymore could lay his hands on a substantial amount of fissile material, assemble a team of physicists and engineers with a detailed understanding of how to construct a nuclear weapon and obtain a long-range missile to deliver the payload there is nowhere in the world that would be safe. His swimming pool could almost certainly be disguising some sort of secret weapons lab and we believe his presidential palace in Essex would be an ideal location in which to secrete weapons of mass destruction”
The report has been immediately welcomed by the Government as evidence that their continued campaign against Barrymore is justified. “Although we always urge caution before wading in and launching all out annihilation of our suspected enemies, in the case of Barrymore we are prepared to make an exception,” claimed Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. “This man’s blatant abuses against decent family television and his continued pledges to desist from the pursuit of poor quality programmes and turn his endeavours to the production of excellent light entertainment have all come to naught. He has laughed in the face of all right thinking people and he must now be taught a lesson. I am ordering the immediate despatch of all available troops to Essex to lay siege to this despot’s regime”
The British Press has supported the campaign against Barrymore and several papers have also highlighted his bizarre lifestyle. The Daily Mail’s article “Sodomite Barrymore’s Palace of Sin”, detailed Barrymore’s taste for the depraved and the exotic as well as his “blatant unabashed homosexuality. His local postman and close confidante, Kevin Penge, explains in the article how Barrymore enjoys watching video’s of “small furry animals being tortured. He also eats a lot of chocolate – much more than any normal person. And did I mention he’s a poofter, too?”
However, a number of campaigners including Les Dennis and George Galloway have sprung to Mr. Barrymore’s defence. “The man is a harmless narcissist who lives in a fantasy world” claimed Mr. Galloway. “The fact that he could stand up in a coroners enquiry and lie through his teeth should not be held against him. There must surely be very few people in the world who haven’t done such a thing once or twice.”
Mr Barrymore was unavailable for comment and was said to be viewing properties in Iraq.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 