Author’s note. Israel and Palestine continued to grind away at each other and the Palestinians managing to fight amongst themselves as well as everyone else, with great success in establishing their homeland. Youthanasia. Oh dear
The Palestinian leadership announced today that it would be stepping up its campaign of suicide attacks by configuring the entire state of Palestine as “one bloody great enormous bomb”. The plan is seen as a last ditch attempt by the Palestinians to bring peace and stability to the region, as well a quelling its own dissenters, by “utterly destroying them all, as well our Israeli neighbours”
The plan, which is expected to bring “a quite literal peace” to the area, comes on the heels of recent increased activity by suicide bombers within Israel. The bombers are believed to be fanatical followers of Hamas and other extremist movements. Their plan is to bring peace by either slaughtering or driving out all unbelievers in the area. A spokesman for Hamas commented “Look it seems like a good plan to us. What’s with all this nonsense about negotiating? As Ariel Sharon said, ‘negotiating, schmgotiating’. Just because the only thing the suicide campaign has achieved so far is give the Israelis an excuse to occupy our territory and slaughter our people is an incidental issue. I’m telling you, we’ve got them worried. It’s only a matter of time before we succeed,” he yelled, as an Israeli tank rolled over his house.
Khalid al-Tafesh, a senior figure in Hamas agreed. “Just you wait. The Israelis won’t know what’s hit them. We’ll lure them all in here – you know promise them a big party or something. Then the entire Palestinian population will detonate themselves in a single ginormous explosion. This will guarantee the immediate destruction of Israel and creation of a Palestinian homeland – although there won’t be anyone left to live in it, unfortunately. The plan is an absolute doozy. We can’t fail,” he finished, stepping aside to allow the next section of the 40 foot partition wall to be lowered into his garden.
Middle East watcher and sociologist, Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, commented on the suicide plan, “Certainly the recent actions of the Palestinians can only be explained by a people with a death wish. Who would believe that anyone other than suicidal madmen would think that launching your citizens into the midst of a comprehensively armed, highly territorial country to wipe out large numbers of innocent civilians would be a good way to achieve independence or statehood?”
However, Ariel Sharon gave the plan a cautious welcome, explaining “Well you’ve got to admire their enthusiasm. We wiped them out in Lebanon and they came back. We flattened Gaza and they popped up again. Then they came up with this ridiculous peace process nonsense and now they’ve come up with another humdinger. Still, we agree with a large part of this Palestinian endeavour – namely the part where they kill themselves. Indeed we have been trying to help them out in this for the last few months. We have already started on the young men who are most likely to become suicide bombers. We have enacted a policy called ‘Youthanasia’ whereby we pre-emptively help them to commit suicide whether they’ve expressed a desire to or not. We’ve also adopted a streamlined, fast-track process for these individuals which doesn’t require them to sign a form of consent so that we can get on with helping to die in the most humane and timely manner. Well, timely anyway.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 