Author’s note: Pim Fortuyn was a fascinating politician. Gay, centre right and stridently anti-muslim he cut a swathe through Holland and was assassinated by a hard-left environmentalist who was worried he might (gasp) win an election. For me this was one of the early skirmishes between the establishment and the masses that we now see manifest itself with Brexit, Boris and Trump.
First and foremost this was a rather silly, if poor taste, article, making fun of the fact that he looked like a Bond villain. Secondly, though, I was interested in what happens when the establishment doesn’t get what it wants. And the answer we have now is that it pulls together to do everything in its power to thwart the popular will. You can argue whether that is democratic or whether it is actually for the greater good. Personally, I think it probably both but then I don’t think we should ever have had a Brexit referendum because we live in a representative democracy and we pay our politicians to make tough decisions.
Top secret memos have been leaked to the Brains Trust which appear to indicate that Pim Fortuyn, the Dutch maverick political leader, was not assassinated by a radical green campaigner but was actually attacked by British Intelligence. The assassination was carried by an operative known only by the codenumber 007 and he is thought to have averted a plot by Mr. Fortuyn to take-over the world using a stolen consignment of nuclear weapons.
It appears that 007 is part of an exclusive group of operatives especially trained to seek out potential serious terrorist threats. Extensive profiling has revealed that these terrorists usually have certain distinguishing character traits, namely:
• They are bald
• They are populist extroverts with unusual sexual proclivities
• They have high profile media presence
• They have a set of henchmen with similar characteristics
• They possess large fluffy white cats and live in secret underground bunkers
A source working for British Intelligence, known only as M, confirmed that Mr. Fortuyn met all of these characteristics although “his secret underground bunker appears to be more like a basement flat, but we think that’s just part of its disguise”. Asked to explain the evidence for Mr. Fortuyn’s plan to control the world, M simply commented “Take it from me, they always do. First they start off with their populist policies, then they go and undermine democracy by winning an election and before you know it you’re having public debates with people discussing any old rubbish and pretending it’s freedom. The only way to ensure true freedom and democratic choice is by ensuring these madman can’t take control”
Through a series of elaborate passwords, secret rendezvous and a set of photos involving Cherie Blair and Anne Widdecombe, the Brains Trust was able to gain an audience with 007. He confirmed that it was him that carried out the assassination and commented: “I’m amazed they fell for the old crazed vegan assassin routine. We thought we’d go with that one as it would put that blame on the Russians. They frequently despatch their victims with potatoes and beetroots” explained 007. “Personally, I’d normally go for the sophisticated investment banker or suave international businessman which no one ever expects. It also gives you a much better chance of getting your leg over the beautiful scientist who always seems to be associated with the madman”
007 was also able to confirm that the assassination had been carried out using a special high-powered rifle disguised as a carrot. The device was created by a technical mastermind known only as ‘Q’. “Q has come up with some real life-saver’s for me,” 007 confirmed. “The poisoned swizzle stick, the exploding casino chips and my personal favourite the contracting condom that shrinks to size of a thumbnail on contact with the genitals. Unfortunately, most Russians appeared to enjoy this and there’s now a thriving black market for the damn things.”
Commenting on the assassination, the Dutch premier expressed his thanks to the British Secret Service for averting the world takeover and explained that, despite having seen no evidence of the plot expressed his satisfaction “After all, the last thing we want is some weirdo turning up and winning the election. How on Earth can that be democracy?”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 