Author’s note: An article very much of its time. It was in hindsight a rather prurient look at Ulrika who appeared to have slept with almost everyone in the UK. In its defence it did also have a go at Angus Deyton, too
The population of the UK remains cowering in its houses as the mystery slapper continues to strike at random members of the population. Reports continue to flood in of seemingly random sexual liaisons from the woman, known only as “Ulrika”, which leave the victims with their lives ruined and coverage as a wronged victim in “Hello!” magazine their only chance of making a living.
“No one appears safe from this woman,” explained Detective Inspector Derek Gadd, head of the Metropolitan Police’s Serious Slappers Unit. “Everyday we see yet another innocent person struck down by a deadly accusation or incriminating photo.”
The Brains Trust spoke to Chris Jones, a pipe fitter from Brentford, about his experience. “I didn’t know what hit me” he explained. “One minute I was on an emergency call-out to try and fix a washing machine, the next I was chained in her “love-dungeon” and indulging in a form of oral sex that I had previously believed impossible whilst being beaten with birch twigs. I don’t know what came over me. The wife and I are normally happy with it a once a week on a Friday.”
The police admit that they are baffled by the random strikes on innocent members of the public. “The victims appear to have no relationship to each other. They are of differing race, age, social status, even gender. We have no idea whether she gains some sort of perverse gratification from these foul deeds. Although, if she wants to get in touch with me directly, I’m sure we can get to the bottom of it,” continued Detective Gadd, rather too eagerly.
The police though are concerned that the intense news coverage has started to generate “copycat fornicators”. Another operator, known only as “Angus”, has also started to claim several victims. “This man seems to operate in a similar fashion, picking his victims at random and then committing some sort of outrageous drug fuelled orgiastic ritual often with several victims at once. I don’t know how he gets away with it. It’s a bloody disgrace, that’s what it is” claimed Detective Gadd, by now appearing a little tetchy
Detective Gadd finished with an urgent message to the perpetrators. “We would appeal to them to come forward and give themselves up to the authorities. Their current method of communication of sending cryptic message via discreet newspaper articles is frustrating and leaves us unable to help them cure this addiction. Alternatively, if they do want personal help we have an emergency Tara Palmer-Tomkinson on standby ready for action”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 