Roy Keane to “pursue career in law”

Author’s note: My scant knowledge of sports was once again put to good use

Following his recent suspension and record fine by the FA, Roy Keane has announced that he is to retire from football to pursue a legal career.

Mr. Keane made the announcement standing on the steps of the Old Bailey clutching a stack of Lloyds law reports and clutching a copy of Briggs GCSE Law Primer. As he adjusted his barrister’s wig he explained that he was “going to show these legal poofters the real meaning of a strong defence.” Mr. Keane went onto explain that after years of mastering the tactics of attack and defence on the football field he was now ready to take those same skills into the courtroom. “It seemed like a good time to familiarise myself with the courts and the legal system,” he mused. “Especially as after my biography was published it looked like I was going to be spending a lot of time here, anyway.”

Mr. Keane went on to introduce his first case, the defence of Mr. Chris Jones recently accused of aggravated burglary. “My boy has previously shown excellent form and I’m delighted that I’ve been able to persuade him to transfer from his previous barristers. I shall be bringing an aggressive attacking style to my defence and am confident that I can get the opposition on the back foot from the start.

However, Mr. Keane has employed an unorthodox style that has not been without incident. During the defendant’s cross-examination by the prosecution he continually interrupted the proceedings to shout advice from his “dug-out”, as he insisted on referring to his bench. This took the form of encouragement to the defendant and included “Get further back. They can see right through your fucking defensive wall. Go left you fucking idiot. Fuck me, a blind man could have seen that fucking question coming. Don’t tell him you were at the scene-of-the-crime you fucking wally.”

When the judge, who Mr Keane insisted on referring to as “your honour the ref”, attempted to intervene he was also subject to wry observations from Mr Keane. “What do you mean ‘objection sustained’ you wig-wearing wanker? That question was never out of order You couldn’t keep control of children’s tea party, you geriatric cunt”

During his cross-examination of a prosecution witness, Mr Keane also had to be physically restrained from continually diving to the floor and shouting “Foul!” whenever the prosecution objected. He was also seen to repeatedly approach the witness and elbow him in the face, claiming that the man had “walked into his arm.” However, on managing to get the prosecution to admit that they had made a mistake in the timing of the alleged event. Mr Keane leapt up onto the bench, hugged the defendant, yelled “Goooooaaaaaaallllll!!” and then turned to the prosecution, adding “Your not singing any more! You’re shit and you know you are”

After the trial, Mr Keane explained that he felt it had been a game of two halves and a closely fought contest where his team had exhibited a free-flowing attacking style. He also felt that they had been unlucky to come away nursing a narrow defeat with his defendant being found guilty on all charges and receiving a 30 year sentence.

Mr Keane concluded that he was generally happy with his first performance adding that at least it would show people that “after my book I really can string a sentence together.”