Author’s note: Finally, an article about the world cup that was actually about the sport. Roy Keane was a gifted player, but horribly violent and from what one could see on the television an ill tempered narcissist with the self control of a five year old. He stormed out of the Irish team, who did rather well without him. This was a massively popular article, for some reason
Embattled former Irish captain Roy Keane has confirmed that he intends to enter the World Cup finals in a team consisting of “me, me and only me”. He has explained that he believes his tactics of footballing skill, supreme leadership abilities and extreme violence will enable him to “go all the way in the finals even if it means having to be teach myself some hard lessons and give myself a stern talking to every so often”.
Mr. Keane made the announcement during a stormy press conference organised by his agent, Mr. Roy Keane. He explained that he had made the decision to go it alone reluctantly and only after “virtually grovelling” to Mick McCarthy in order to persuade him to let him back in the Irish team. “The fact that Mick didn’t recognise the invitation to kiss my tight white arse as a traditional Irish token of appeasement merely shows his lack of empathy with the Irish way of life. I was also disappointed that Bertie Ahern felt my suggestion that he go fuck himself was ‘not constructive'”
Mr. Keane then went on to explain that he had pulled together the finest team of world class talent and was confident of their chances. Keane United, as his team will be known, are already in training with Roy Keane also taking on all management and coaching positions. Mr. Keane went on to explain that he had undergone a rigorous training regime to ensure his peak fitness. “I have developed a set of radical soccer manoeuvres derived from ju-jitsu, karate and tae kwon do which should ensure I can deal with any opposition. I have also been coached in how to offer comments on someone’s parenthood and how ugly their wife is in over 17 different languages, which should help to deal with any tournament officials.”
When asked how he intended to enter the finals without having played in any qualifying matches, Mr. Keane firstly demonstrated how he would deal with “those FIFA fuckers” by beating the questioner around the head with a specially minted replica of the World Cup, made from melting down approximately one week worth of his wages. He then explained that if he were prevented by small minded petty officialdom, he would be entering the Keane Cup tournament instead which he challenged anyone in the room to deny wasn’t “the best fucking tournament in the world. Anyone here got any problem with that?”
However, stories are already circulating of discontent within the Keane camp. Reports have emerged of Keane angrily storming out of a training session and complaining it was “bollocks”. This was then followed by the manager and captain engaging in a vitriolic slanging match outside the team’s dressing room. Roy Keane declined to comment apart from suggesting that “as far as he was concerned he was a shit player, a shit manager and he’d never play in the same team as himself again”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 