Shock report reports “shock findings” shock.

Author’s note: Many years ago, Danny Baker wrote a review of an album by Imagination. Except it wasn’t – it was a long diatribe on how hot it was in the NME office. I adopted a similar idea. Everyone liked it (probably because I carefully name checked all of us), but Tom decided it was unpublishable. The names are all the pseudonyms of our authors – can you spot the son of a famous author?

God it’s hot. I can’t believe Pullman broke the air conditioning. I told him filling it up with ice wouldn’t make it work better. It’s like that time he insisted on taking the hard disc out of the server and giving it a good shake to loosen up the data and make it go faster. Oh shit, Delano’s coming over here. Oh no he’s not, he’s stopped by the water cooler. He’s still got that little Korean chap following him around. He insists he’s his editorial apprentice? Who’s he trying to kid? He’s the only apprentice I’ve ever heard of that sleeps on top of the wardrobe. Oh God he’s giving me that Korean smile again. At least, I think he’s smiling. He just kind of bares his teeth every so often. And I can’t understand a word he says. Delano says he can and pretends he can speak Korean but when he asked him to proof read the last issue, Ng just gave him a strange look and went and put it in the toaster. God, I can’t believe it’s so hot. Oh Christ, Delano really is coming over here now and he’s got Carroll with him. I better look as though I’m typing something. Eojqlkedfj adlk nlk cadnma cnnas dcmsd cnlka sd jhcnlkj asdcnj a sdcnb jascnb jascxnb jasdc nbkjas dcbn.

That was a close one. They started arguing before they got to my desk. Carroll didn’t see that Korean chap getting ready to bite his ankles. It’s lucky he was holding that pair of scissors. Still, it took a couple of good jabs to get him to loosen his grip, though. No wonder his teeth are in such good nick. Oh God, Hammerton’s scratching his arse again. And now he’s picking his nose. I don’t know why he doesn’t just use his underpants as a handkerchief. What’s this article supposed to be about? Public-private partnerships? Who the fuck wants to read about public-private partnerships? They always give me the boring ones. They’re only jealous cos I got that mention in the Guardian. Oh and look at Mr. Lah-di-dah aren’t I clever I’ve got a girlfriend with a Cambridge degree Reinold. He is such a crawler. He always gets Carroll and Delano a donut from the shop. And he pretends to laugh at their jokes. Still he needs to with the crap he comes up with. And he always stinks out the cubicle on Monday morning. I don’t know why they don’t replace the air freshener in there. Too fucking stingy as usual. I wonder if I move my screen a bit this way whether I can surf the net without them seeing. Oh wow, that girl in the office next door is standing by the window again. What did the security guard say she was called? Tiffany? I’ll try smiling at her and see what she does. Well, charming I must say. It was only a smile, she didn’t need to be quite so energetic with that finger.

I better think of a title for this. Look at the time. The pub’ll be open in half-an-hour. How about “PPP too alliterative for Prescott”. Nah crap. “PPP is utter bollocks claims report”. God, even worse. I bet if I think up a really good title they wont bother reading the article. Like “Railways reclassified as weapons of mass destruction.” Great title and Delano didn’t notice that bit about him and his sister until that crawler Froman pointed it out. Oh bugger, here come the yanks back from their power coffee break. Look at Seycley’s head. Having hair that doesn’t move can’t be natural. And God knows how anyone persuaded Meg that shoulder pads were back in. She probably got them off that American Football team she was knocking off. Why are they so fucking loud? And what does realigning our strategic direction to encompass multiple media streams mean? Maybe that Korean could translate it. How about “Prime Minister shocked by credit card balance – Byers denies railtrack bailout”. Bit long. Maybe if I just put something irrelevant but with some buzzwords. “Al Qaeda denies railtrack buy-out – ‘We have some scruples’ claims spokesman”. Oh fuck it I’ll just go with “Shock report reports shock findings shock” and see what happens.