Author’s note: Bloody French, always sticking their oar in when it’s not wanted and preventing the invasion of Iraq. Typical.
The disagreements between France and the United Kingdom at the recent EU summit have now escalated into a serious diplomatic incident with the UK demanding the immediate and complete replacement of the entire French Government.
The argument started between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and French President Jacques Chirac over the deal agreed privately between France and Germany on farm subsidies. A furious Mr. Blair reportedly called Mr. Chirac a “garlic chewing subsidy junkie” and Mr. Chirac responded by claiming the Prime Minister was a “Guitar strumming Anglo-Saxon capitalist God-boy.” As the argument became more heated the two men had to be separated after Mr. Chirac grabbed Tony Blair’s hair and started to pull it chanting “Tony Blair! Tony Blair! He’s Dubya’s boy with girly hair!” and Mr. Blair started to kick Mr. Chirac’s ankles promising to “set Charles Clarke on you, just see if I don’t”
At the end of the summit, tensions still remained high and the French demanded an immediate apology after Mr. Chirac was found to be wandering around the closing press conference with a large sign labelled “Kick Me!” fastened to his back. A furious Mr. Chirac named Mr. Blair as the culprit claiming he would recognise “that scrawly hand” anywhere. Mr Blair responded equally furiously shouting “Did not!” with Mr Chirac responding “Did! Did! Did! With knobs on!”
The press conference ended acrimoniously with both sides promising to “get one another”. Despite Romano Prodi’s subsequent efforts to patch up the argument, the United Kingdom has now declared France a rogue state and has demanded immediate regime change.
Mr Blair outlined the “entirely reasonable” demands that the UK required to restore normal relations across the channel. “We demand the immediate closure of the Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatte. The production of cheeses of mass destruction must cease forthwith. And the ruthless suppression of other cultures must be stopped – the French people’s right to speak English must be recognised.”
Mr. Blair also went on to describe how he had already assembled the biggest cross channel invasion force since the Second World War. “At all of our major southern sea ports we have massed ranks of shoppers waiting to board our flotilla of ferries. Our motorised division of MPV’s and Volvo’s is ready to stream over the channel and overwhelm the puny forces of French Shopkeepers. Our search for cheap wine and excellent patisserie products will be relentless.”
He concluded by explaining how the UK had been left with no choice but to declare direct rule on France until they are willing and able to install a Government that the rest of the world recognises as being acceptable. “For too long now the French people have lived under an autocratic and corrupt regime. It is time to finally replace this puppet Government.” Mr Blair then introduced the “new French Government” which would be headed up by John Prescott as “his renown language skills will help build up an entente cordiale with the French people”. Other functions have also been set-up to reflect “French national interests” including the “Ministry of Garlic”, “Ministry of Wine” and “Ministry of Soap – make sure you use it at least once a day.”
The United States has promised its full support for the United Kingdom’s initiative, calling it “reasonable, proportionate and very likely to get right up their enormous French noses”
Direct rule
Demanding the closure of Al Qaeda training camp at Sangatt
Immediate halt to the cheeses of mass destruction
Invasion by cross-channell ferries. Shoppers will overwhelm the megre forces of shop assistants
US has promised full support “For too long the French have lived under the autocratic and corrupt regime. Their puppet government and prentence at democracy.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 