Author’s note: I think this was probably written in response to a bizarre story about Bill Clinton, who spoke at the Labour Party Conference. He then popped up, with Kevin Spacey, at a Newcastle McDonalds.
Following the increased number of sightings of Bill Clinton around the UK, the authorities have confirmed that they no longer believe these are mass hallucinations but must accept that Clinton is present in these shores and have put the country on a state of high alert.
“We must accept that these sightings are not just figments of people’s over active imagination” explained Metropolitan Police Commissioner Derek Gadd. “For years now the popularity of shows like the X-Files and Rosswell have led to a huge number of hoax or mistaken calls by people who thought they had seen a former US President lurking in their back garden or hovering in a mysterious manner above their local chip shop. However, we always knew the day would come when this may turn out to be real and they would try to seek contact with citizens of the UK.”
The first sightings of Bill Clinton were reported in Newcastle at a local burger restaurant. He was said to be accompanied by several other-worldly beings and the staff were uncertain it was him until he spoke, ordering “15 Big Mac’s, a bucket of Chicken Nuggets and 3 pints of diet Coke. And what are you guys having?” Mr Clinton then appeared at a mass gathering of worshippers and believers in a conference hall in Blackpool. “We were all standing there with our hands joined in prayer, pleading with him to show himself,” claimed devotee Robert Khan. “And then suddenly he was there amongst us, moving about the crowd in a mysterious way.”
There are now huge numbers of people who have seen the former President in the British Isles. He has reportedly been witnessed opening a Kwik-Save supermarket in Gloucester, manning a stand at a car-boot sale near Ayelsbury (although he explained to passers by that he was “just looking after it for a second while his mate Kevin nipped out to the loo”) and attending a conference on Globalisation and Third World Debt with several world leaders in the City of London.
“There is no telling how he got in to the country,” continued Gadd. “The problem now is trying to track him down. He can blend in anywhere, frequently travelling alone, making do with the most frugal of provisions. Then before you know it he’s popped up out of the woodwork again and he’s making a nuisance of himself performing a public ceremony or telling a string of amusing anecdotes.”
Mr. Gadd went on to explain that the worst might be yet to come. “Our evidence is that these guys like to travel in packs. I’m sure that even as we speak Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and George Bush Snr may be lurking by the entrance to the channel tunnel or trying to sneak in at Heathrow. God knows what we’ll do with them all.”
However McDonalds have already come up with a novel solution by offering to replace Ronald McDonald with Bill Clinton as their mascot. “It seems the most logical solution,” said company spokesman Chris Jones. “After all we’d simply be replacing one burger munching, red-faced clown with another”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 