Author’s note: In one of the may crises of capitalism, a number of large companies had to admit they’d been telling whopping great lies about their revenues and “restate” their earnings. The US government had lurched from a surplus under Clinton to a massive deficit under Bush and seemed in a similar position. I think this headline came from my friend Jonathan Selby
There was embarrassment at the G8 conference in Canada today as the United States Government was forced to admit that after an internal review of its finances it was having to reissue the Government’s accounts. Apparently, the massive budget surplus promised at the time of the election now appears to be a deficit totalling several billion dollars.
The admission follows on the back of several corporate earnings scandals in the US including Enron and WorldCom. In making the announcement, Paul O’Neill, the US Treasury Secretary, was careful to explain that in this case there was no question of fraud and the problem arose from The President’s “legitimate and wholly sensible and proportionate desire” to give “every last Government dollar” back to the hard-working US taxpayer. “It breaks the President’s heart to see the downtrodden oil executive, the browbeaten steel-mill owner or the penniless farmer struggling on without Government subsidy,” explained Mr. O’Neill. “The President felt it was his duty to give this money back to the people who gave it to his Government in the first place.”
An analysis of the recipients of the subsidies is now being carried out and auditors are trying to see if any of the money is not needed and can be recovered. The President, George Bush, said it was a difficult task, however. “One farmer down in Florida told me how he had put the money to good use it supporting his vital Colombian agricultural concerns. He said that Colombian farmers faced unique difficulties and he had to spend huge amounts on artillery just to keep the ‘pests that attack his crops under control'”. Mr. Bush also said that the auditors were particularly keen to locate the three billion dollars given in subsidies to “pretzel farmers”. Mr Bush explained that he had personally agreed to hand the money over after “some professor he met at an Airport” explained the plight of these needy folk. “I wrote him out a cheque then and there” explained Mr. Bush. “You should have seen the look of joy and gratitude that lit up his face. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.” “Me too” confirmed Mr. O’Neill.
Standing in front of a large white board, Mr. Bush went onto explain how such a massive deficit could be overlooked. “It all comes down to complex statistical and mathematical formulae. According to the boffins in the Treasury the mistake comes from a misunderstanding over the use of two arcane symbols known as ‘plus’ and ‘minus’. It appears we’ve been using them inappropriately for some time now. It also has something to do with ‘red’ and ‘black’, but I’m afraid those guys lost me then.”
As the value of the Dollar on world markets plunged to below two Costa Rican bananas, President Bush urged people not to panic and assured his audience that “matters were completely in hand.” As “Government auditors” started to move around the crowd of G8 leaders and their advisors with collection plates, Mr Bush asked them to hand over any unwanted foreign currency, advising them to “please give generously, even the odd million can help. There’s plenty of needy Americans out there who need your support.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 