Author’s note: I was on holiday when this issue was due out and I think this was my only contribution. The US were making increasingly impossible demands to Iraq in order to ensure that they could invade them when they didn’t meet them. I was also vaguely obsessed with the enormous glasses worn by Saddam’s (Christian) number 2. I think this was completed by Robert, but I don’t have the final draft, except I remember that one of the demands was a “set of goats should be taught Scottish dancing to a professional standard”
The US has stepped up its war of words against Iraq by issuing a further set of over 60 demands that must be “immediately complied with” including “the removal of Saddam Hussein’s moustache, the replacement of Tariq Aziz’s glasses with something more stylish and the opening of a McDonald’s restaurant in the Ike Abbasid Palace.”
The US denied that the new demands were unreasonable and designed to humiliate the Iraqis. “It is completely untrue to suggest that we are a nation of warmongers desperately spoiling for a fight,” claimed President Bush. “I can assure you that we have very little intention of fighting in the conventional sense of the word. Instead, we are planning on carpet bombing Iraq for several months before any US servicemen move into it and start any actual fighting. These new demands are vital to ensure that Iraq has moved away from its role as sponsor of terrorism and is prepared to meet its international commitments. It is clear that their offer to let in UN weapon’s inspectors is simply a trick and this will show whether they are truly committed to peace or not.”
The US move has been rejected by other members of the UN Security Council with the exception of the UK, which has also suggested adding “Saddam Hussein must only be allowed to make a television address to his country if wearing his underpants on his head”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 