Author’s note: The US and UK continued to make up evidence to justify the future invasion of Iraq and had started with some fairly questionable interrogation tactics.
The US has announced that it has prevented the “almost certain” mass destruction of all its major cities by the detonation of a radioactive device, mass invasion by cloned robots or a murderous plot involving someone with the code-name “Green Goblin”. The CIA confirmed that they had foiled a huge well-organised Al Qaeda plan by intercepting “a lot of top secret information that we have no intention of telling you about or putting before a court of law”.
George J Tenet, Director of Central Intelligence, explained that they had arrested “a definite criminal mastermind” in possession of all the apparatus needed to make a bomb – or at least several notes about it. Mr. Tenet went on to emphasise how close the terrorist was to causing mayhem. “This madman could have set this bomb off at any time. All he needed to do was take the sketchy and incomplete plans he had, construct an explosive device, obtain a large amount of radioactive material, find a safe way of packing it into a bomb without ionising himself and transport the device to one of the most securely guarded cities in the world. What could be simpler? The US Intelligence Services have leapt into action and kept the free world safe from terrorist threats. Or at the very least we’ve kept those bastards in Congress off my back for a couple of weeks.”
Mr. Tenet went on to deny that the arrest of the suspect had anything to do with countering the negative comment regarding their inability to prevent the September 11th atrocity or subsequently discover any Al Qaeda operatives in the US. “My people have worked night and day on how to identify terrorists. We have a programme whereby everyday in the office one of the administrative staff disguises themselves as a potential terrorist with an outfit consisting of a tea-towel, a false beard and bottle of ‘Bronzo’ tanning lotion. My guys have spotted them every time, although recently we’ve found it a bit difficult to persuade anyone else to be the ‘Mystery Terrorist’ after they shot the first three of them dead. Our agents have also been studying ‘Where’s Waldo’ books night and day and can pick that little stripy sucker out of a crowd in under 30 seconds.” He also explained how the intelligence services had been carefully monitoring the sale of cardboard cutters of the type used to hijack the planes on September 11th, especially to any wild-eyed, rag heads that have recently taken up plane spotting as a hobby.
Matters have however become complicated by the fact that the suspect, Abdullah al-Mujahir, is an Hispanic US citizen, formerly known as Jose Padilla. Contrary to normal law, he has been placed under custody by the CIA rather than the FBI, denying him the usual rights and privileges. Mr. Tenet explained that this was because Mr. Mujahir was “particularly evil. Just look at his photo for Chrissake”
When asked what evidence the CIA held against the man, Mr. Tenet confirmed that he had been found in possession of a large amount of information, much of it which appeared to have been downloaded from the internet. “This guy had been using some sort massive secret database known only as ‘Google’. I tell you, the things that are stored in there are terrifying. There are plans involving some guy named James Bond and a stash of nuclear weapons. There are several hair-raising schemes involving alien invasion and what appear to be a large number of training videos, one involving an Asian woman known as Sucki-Cocki who appears to show how to disable our armed forces by ‘fucking them to death'”.
Mr Tenet also confirmed that the CIA was still interviewing Mr. Mujahir and was confident that “the next six months in an interrogation cell with a couple of my farm boys and no access to any legal representation should help us tidy up any loose ends”
Matters have become further confused by the President announcing that anyone of Hispanic origin would now be treated as a potential terrorist, especially as “they’re kinda funny looking”. He also confirmed that he was adding Mexico to the nations within the Axis of Evil, gravely reminding his fellow Americans to “remember the Alamo”. Finally, he warned US citizens to be ever vigilant for the terrorist threat “After all, you all heard what George Tenet said. Everyone should be careful to watch out for this kind of dirty bum”
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