Author’s note: My first job was at Friends of the Earth and was an utterly depressing experience. It is a PR organisation, pure and simple, designed to spin facts and data to support their campaigns. If they put half as much effort into actually protecting the earth as they do in raising money or attending conferences the world may well be a better place. Like many campaigning organisations, they have to increase the volume and scale of their apocalyptic forecasts to get media attention. As such, they go very quiet when an the consequences of an oil spill turn out to be not nearly as bad as everyone predicted. Fun fact – Chris Jones was a customer of mine – a senior executive at GlaxoSmithKilne
The sinking of the oil tanker Prestige off the coast of Spain, now officially the worst catastrophe the world has ever seen, continued to wipe out all known species today. As endangered and common species alike clutched their throats and gave up the ghost, frantic efforts were underway to protect the few remaining organisms.
Speaking from an undisclosed location in a tropical rainforest “somewhere near Barnsley”, environmental campaigner Chris “Crusty” Jones, clutching a slightly oil-smudged pigeon, explained the situation. “This oil spill is the worst environmental disaster ever to have been seen on the face of the earth. Meteorites, volcanoes, typhoons, tidal waves are but nothing compared to this unprecedented tide of death that is sweeping over the planet. Greedy, evil oil companies whose only desire is to destroy our beautiful planet and fuel our lust for warm homes and convenient transport are to blame. Well, this shattered, once beautiful creature is the result” he sobbed holding the pigeon aloft as it pecked his hand and flew off looking rather relieved.
Concerns about the oil spill are especially high on the Northern Coast of Spain where it seems certain that it will deprive local fishermen of their essential livelihood of over-fishing and claiming subsidies. It is feared that the fish stocks will take some years to recover before they can once again be totally decimated by the enthusiastic Spanish fishing fleet. Blame has also been pointed at the Spanish and Portuguese Governments who refused to allow the stricken tanker to dock, directing it instead to Africa. “It was obviously the right decision to protect our fish stocks,” claimed the Spanish Deputy Prime Minister Mariano Roy. “After all, Africans don’t get subsidies and have considerably smaller fishing fleets who mainly supply their local population, so the affect on world trade would be a lot less than if the ship sunk in our waters. Which unfortunately it then did.”
As the debate over the oil spill continued, environmentalists produced complex mathematical models predicting the “near certain” destruction of creature after creature and showing how the world will become a barren wilderness unless immediate action is taken. “If you look at this detailed computer simulation” explained Mr Jones, holding up what appeared to be a long-division sum on the back of a Body Shop receipt, “you can clearly see how environmental desecration is changing the world. Everywhere our planet is being raped by cold-hearted capitalists and species are being forced to evolve and adapt, which is something completely unprecedented. At no time in history have changes to the ecosystem on such a large scale been seen and at no time has one group of animals become dominant and imposed its will on all other organisms. And if any mealy mouthed oil company sponsored scientist lackeys want to disagree, I say to them: ‘Go fuck yourselves. I get a nice fat grant to come up with this stuff and I’m buggered if small details such as facts, research or verifiable theories are going to stand in the way.'”
Mr. Jones then clambered up what he described as the “last remaining tree in the tropics” to take his place on the Rainforest Solidarity Front’s treehouse. As other groups joined him, assembling their own structures there was a loud creaking and the tree fell to the ground.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 