Author’s note: Paul Burrell, the late Diana’s butler had been charged with pinching some stuff and the case was dismissed. However, he then decided to sell his story to the Mirror which caused the other papers to turn against him
The British media has continued its onslaught against Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana Princess of Wales. The Sun has declaimed the “filthy lack of respect and loyalty” of Mr Burrell demonstrated by “selling his story to those cunts at the Mirror rather than us.”
The Sun has lead the attack on Mr. Burrell. After the dismissal of allegations against him most members of the press praised Mr. Burrell’s bravery in the face of unfounded allegations and an over-zealous police investigation. However, the Sun now claims that the “mask of kindness” has been ripped from Mr. Burrell’s face to show the “deceitful, lying, treacherous two-faced bastard he so obviously is.”
The Sun’s claim is based on the decision of Mr Burrell to sell his story to the Mirror, their biggest rival. “By choosing to support this red-flag waving, homosexual scandal sheet, Mr Burrell has shown us all the side of the bed on which he sleeps. And with whom, as we reveal on pages 4 to 15 of our searing investigative report into “Paul Burrell – Queer Thief Liar who hates our lovely Royal Family.” The report reveals Burrell’s “myriad homosexual relationships” with many high profile lovers including “Michael Barrymore, John Leslie, Saddam Hussein and, who could forget his camp Arabian lover, Osama Bin Laden?”
A further section entitled “Paul Burrell – Spawn of Satan” also reveals Burrell’s membership of a “Devil worshipping black magic cult,” who can be regularly found “Masturbating and laughing over Diana’s grave in Althorp Island.” The report also features an exclusive interview with Diana’s brother, Earl Spencer. “We gave Paul everything and he betrayed us” he explained sobbing into one of his dead sisters ‘kerchiefs, he keeps close to him as a keepsake. “Perhaps we were too soft on him. Letting him walk around Kensington Palace in Diana’s dresses whilst wearing her favourite tiara should have set alarm bells ringing. Allowing him to sell her most precious items and insisting that he have unfettered access to all the charity funds we collected on her behalf. I’m sure he made the best use of them, but it’s such a shame those AIDS infected babies had to die so that he buy that Mercedes”
However, the Mirror has hit back calling for the deification of “St. Paul the Second – the people’s Martyr.” The paper ran a special double length issue, with every section featuring articles on Mr. Burrell. Highlight’s included “Burrell bashes Aussies in 3000 run Ashes victory”, “Burrell tells Iraq: Don’t make me come over there” and “Paul Burrell single handedly saves 15 children and pet dog from blazing building whilst greedy Sun reading firemen stand and jeer.” The edition also featured articles on “Burrell supports Queen, even though the callous old bat tried to put him away for life” and “Sun reader Charles shields evil rapist aide from justice.”
Mr. Burrell was unavailable for comment and was said to be looking forward to resuming his career in fossicking, frottaging and world class buttling.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 