Author’s note: The fire service, like NHS workers, can pretty much guarantee the support of the public and so their unions are often confident in making large demands for pay rises and other improvements to their contracts. I wondered what would happen if they were replaced by a similarly brave and skilled organisation, but one that took no government money….
The Government has announced that the Royal National Lifeboat Association (RNLI) is to assume firefighting duties throughout the UK.
The decision was made when it was realised that, unlike other rescue services, the RNLI is a voluntary organisation funded entirely from charitable donations and does not receive “a single penny of lovely, lovely Government money”. Fire Service Minister, Nick Raynsford, commented, “Lifeboat staff operate in a similar environment to firefighters. They use highly sophisticated equipment in dangerous conditions and help rescue people from seemingly impossible situations. However, they are also people who enjoy the thrill of danger and wish to help those in peril without thought of financial gain, unlike those greedy money-grabbing bastards in the fire service. So, by extending the remit of the RNLI to cover fires, not only do we get a group of enthusiastic, highly skilled firefighters, but also we don’t have to pay a penny for them. Just imagine what that will do for the MP’s pension pot?” he finished, leafing through a SAGA “Five star retirement homes” brochure.
Speaking on behalf of the RNLI Captain Derek Gadd claimed that they were confident they could bring a high-level of appropriate skills to the job of fire fighting. “As far as we can tell the fireman’s job involves the distribution of a lot of water and hanging around on rickety buildings and wobbly ladders. Well, if there’s one thing we know about it’s water and the pitch and yaw of a boat in 50 metre seas gives us plenty of practice in keeping our balance. How difficult can it be?” he said pulling on his oilskins and sou’wester before taking command of a fire engine with the traditional cry of “Avast there me hearties! Does anyone know where the rudder is on this thing?”
However, it is becoming apparent that some teething troubles have still to be ironed out. One of the first calls, to a large house fire in Solihull, Birmingham, had to be left to burn after the nearest lifeboat station, at Aberystwyth, on the Welsh coast was unable to attend owing to a lack of a convenient waterway. At a pile up on the M1 stricken motorists were approached by the RNLI, who came alongside the crash, and hurled lifebelts and winch lines to them advising them to swim for it. Attempts to rescue a cat from a tree in Ottershaw, Surrey also went disastrously wrong when, after the cat was recovered, the creature was taken to the coast and tossed “back into the sea”.
However, a furious Andy Gilchrist, leader of the Fireman’s Union, denounced the actions of the “RNLI scabs”. “Where would we be if everyone went around doing their jobs for altruistic reasons and no money? Before you know it, they’ll be providing first aid and agreeing to unnatural work practices. Still, they may be on no pay at the moment, but how long can it be before they demand a 40% pay rise. And then where will the Government be, eh?”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 