Author’s note: Iraq and the rest of the world waited gingerly for the invasion from the US that now seemed inevitable. The phrase Weapons of Mass Destruction – a catch all that implied nuclear devices or chemical weapons, but could include any high explosives, was everywhere. Iraq didn’t have chance using conventional tactics so what about unconventional ones?
The Iraqis have launched a new strategy for building up their armed forces and weapons capability in the face of greatly increased UN inspections and an increasingly hawkish attitude from the US. Rather than investing in destructive capability or large numbers of highly trained militia, Iraq will instead develop its capabilities in “making it look like we’re a lot tougher than we are” by using “distraction, deception and disruption”
Information that has come into the hands of the Brains Trust, shows that the Iraqis have already embarked on investing in these “weapons of mass distraction.” They have recently purchased at least 3000 inflatable tanks from the UK, a large number of “quite realistic, AK-47 style” potato guns from Belgium and a great quantity of “exceptionally loud” fireworks from China.
“The West will take one look at this lot drifting over the horizon and they will be out of here quicker than you can say ‘tactically planned withdrawal’,” claimed Mustapha Al-Ayyam, Commander-in-Chief of the 3rd Inflatable Sex Doll Garrison, as he frantically prepared for an inspection of his troops with the aid of a foot pump and a Dunlop bicycle tyre repair kit. However, Commander Al-Ayyam does admit that there are reports of teething troubles in some Iraqi divisions. “There was a mix up with the gases and we ended up filling our Chieftain tanks with helium and our F-14 fighters with carbon dioxide. The sight of an entire battalion of tanks launching into the air, whilst impressive, lacked the gritty realism we sought.”
The Iraqis are also employing other new methods to frustrate any attempts to force regime change. It is believed that all Iraqi soldiers are being trained in “Distractics: the art of distracting your enemy.”
“When confronted by a US soldier who is better armed, better trained and better fed it is essential that our soldier maintains the advantage,” claims an Iraqi training manual. The Distractics include teaching Iraqi soldiers English phrases such as “Ooh! Look! Behind you!”, “You’ve got a smut on your nose, Bud” or “Quick! I just saw Saddam on a bicycle going round that corner.” When the invading force is distracted the Iraqi is then taught to invoke the “tactics of evasion” such as “pretending to be a lamppost, hiding in the nearest bush or giving the oppressor a wedgie and legging it, pronto”
Most chillingly, it is also believed that the Iraqis are intending to take these new techniques into the heart of the west. An Al-Qaeda training camp has reportedly been training its conscripts in the “tactics of mass disruption”. Operatives are already thought to be working in the heart of many cities. In central London a terrorist army of “white van drivers” use suicide driving techniques and collateral damage parking to ensure that the capital is unable to function normally. Squads of suicide queue jumpers are prepared to risk death at the hands of angry shoppers by pushing to the front of a queue and then insisting on paying for low value items with a cheque whilst not being in possession of any form of ID. A Government memo provides the last word on the near certain destruction of society that will result. “The potential for massive numbers of dead and injured as irate shoppers collapse with frustration or turn on one another in hand-to-hand umbrella fighting is massive. And if they ever succeed in their efforts to drop massive numbers of traffic cones on our roads, then God help us.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 