Author’s note: I didn’t ever finish this. Popular television personalities Angus Deyton and John Leslie were both in trouble for the usual shenanigans with drugs and three-in-a-bed romps. More seriously, Leslie was then indirectly accused of rape by Ulrika Johnson and I think I decided that an article joking about him being less bad than the current Tory leadership had gone seriously off the rails.
It was confirmed today by high-level sources within the Conservative Party that they were seeking alternative candidates for leadership and that owing to the “piss poor” nature of those available within the party they were being forced to “cast the net a little wider.”
“Angus and John Leslie are natural Tories, even if they don’t know it yet” claimed top Tory strategist Hugo Z Hackenbush. “They are charming rogues with no morals who will do anything for money. It’s practically our manifesto. They also fit the principal requirement for leading the Tories; namely they are white Anglo-Saxon males. We’ve only broken that rule once and look at the trouble that caused. And it’s well known that electing a woman was a mistake that was only discovered in the showers on a shadow-cabinet Rugby tour of France in ’79. They also both have other vital qualities missing in recent leaders – they have a personality and aren’t bald”
“Angus is still a very popular figure with the public and his ready wit and debating style could be just what we need to add some sparkle to Prime Minister’s question time. His cocaine sniffing will give him vital insights into how we should be formulating our drug’s policy and what could send out the message of tolerance better than a man with direct experience of creating a single parent family?”
It was admitted that the reintegration of John Leslie could be trickier, but one of his keenest supporters, Sir Teddy Taylor was keen to point out that everyone should be given a second chance. “I mean we forgave Michael Portillo the fact that he was once a toe-touching, fudge-packing, bendy boy, didn’t we? At least John Leslie is all man with red blood running through his veins. And as for these hysterical women shouting ‘rape’ at every opportunity – it’s obvious they were begging for it. And it’s well known that Ulrika likes a bit of rough”
However, other career options may also be opening for the pair. The makers of the James Bond films have reportedly approached them both for screen tests for the role. “They both have that edgy, devil-may care allure of Bond” explained Barbara Broccoli, the producer of the films. “We may have to make some adaptations to the character – having him have a double life as a breakfast television host with a beautiful assistant, for example, although we aren’t anticipating testing Fern Britton for that role.”
The Tories though are expected to put up very tempting package on offer for either of the pair. “Look at the opportunities available as leader of the Tories – a nice safe seat with almost complete immunity from prosecution, plenty of foreign travel and top totty like Edwina Currie throwing themselves at you.”
Mr. Hackenbush, however, dismissed claims that the leadership may be offered to Michael Howard.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 