Author’s note: Proof that the truth is often weirder than satire, there were religiously motivated riots over the Miss World competition in Nigeria. Attempts, to gloss over them became increasingly ridiculous, leading to….
Devastated victims on all sides of the Miss World riots have claimed that they were merely trying to make an amusing point in an ironic manner and that their opposite numbers “don’t have a fucking sense of humour”
The riots began between Christians and Muslims in Lagos after a Nigerian journalist, Isioma Daniel, published what she claimed was supposed to be a humorous and cynical review of the Miss World competition and it’s relevance to Africa. Muslim cleric Ibraheem Zakzaky claimed that he felt the article was a clever juxtaposition between an out-of-date competition judging fickle western ideals of beauty and the current dire status of Africa. “But the comment that ‘Mohammed wouldn’t have hesitated to pork Miss India – if he was allowed to eat pork!’ went too far. A jokes a joke and I like a good belly laugh as much as the next fanatical Islamic fundamentalist,” he lamented. “But referring to Miss Saudi Arabia as more likely to win if she was wearing her burkha was a step over the edge. I had no choice but to issue an immediate comedy fatwa and call for a full-scale ironic jihad. The problem is that these Christians just can’t take a joke”
The fatwa took the form of massacring a number of families using prescribed Islamic comedic principles. Families were killed using a variety of practical jokes, including exploding toilet seats, whoopee car bombs and imitation imitation firearms. Hordes of cackling rioters were filmed for the next issue of “You’ve been fatwaed” tripping up Christians with banana skins before beating them to death with sticks and wiring up the door handle of the local church to a 50,000 volt electricity supply.
However, the Christian community struck back at the Muslims in a similar manner. “Of course we understood that our Muslim brethren were making an ironic point about the futility of bloodshed over something as trivial a beauty competition,” claimed Archbishop Makinde. “So I can’t understand why they got so arsey when we responded in kind.” The Christians started by getting Muslim children to bungee jump from the top of a local minaret – only without attaching the bungee. They then moved on to a full-scale re-enactment of the sacking of Jerusalem – one of the most hilarious moments in history – using real houses and real Muslims to play the part of the comedy stooges who were hacked to death in the Crusades.
As Lagos was taken over in a city-wide celebration of the power of laughter to tear people apart, a decision was made to move the competitors to London for their own safety. However, the infectious humour had taken over and the women found themselves swept up in the tide of goofery. Miss India playfully pulled at the long, lustrous hair of Miss Pakistan removing “only a couple of handfuls”, whilst she responded by amusingly carving the name of the prophet into Miss India’s face with a nail file. As the Miss World pageant then dissolved into a frenzy of ironic slapping, scratching and eye gouging, Eric Morely was asked if he felt the wave of irony had gone too far. He replied, “Ooh! Catfight! Awesome! Let me get my camera”
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