Author’s note: I am highly ambivalent about prison and its effectiveness, especially for people who are mentally ill or drug addicted. My father influenced my view. It was announced in the 1990s that they were going to build a secure establishment for treating peadophiles near our family home. There was a predictable reaction and some neighbours appeared on our doorstep with a petition demanding it be abandoned. My dad refused to sign it, reasoning it was better to treat these people and try to prevent them reoffending in a secure establishment than in other places. It was an honourable stance, but not a popular one. Anyway, this very dark piece was an attempt to encapsulate that rather lonely stance
Paedophiles across the UK have expressed horror and remorse at their actions and vowed that from today they will cease their perverted activities. Speaking on behalf of “Deflower”, the underage consent pressure group, Trevor Upshaw explained, “The death of Myra Hindley after a lifetime in prison has shown us all that we cannot go on abusing children and expect to get away with it. It is time for us all to give up and turn to more socially acceptable behaviour”
The death of Hindley in jail after successive Home Secretaries refused to commute her life sentence has acted as a stark warning to other child molestors and their apologists. Until now it was argued by these groups that it was safer to treat paedophiles for their proclivities rather than simply lock them away in prison. However, the unforgiving attitude of the authorities to Hindley and the hostile media coverage has convinced the doubters that “locking these perverts up is the only solution. Preferably in the same cell as several burly football hooligans”
Dr. Julian Bryant of the Prison Reform Trust agreed. “It may seem crazy, but I used to believe that trying to understand these people and attempting to cure them, or at least help them to overcome their perverted desires, seemed a sensible course of action. Now it seems so obvious that shoving them in jail and printing headlines such as “Rot in Hell, you evil bitch!” will show everyone how evil these people are and stop others from emulating them”
Across the country child abusers have been stringing themselves up by the genitals or performing “rudimentary but effective” self-castrations using pinking shears or clapping together two house bricks. Hordes of Catholic priests have formed lengthy queues at specially set up 24 hour confessional booths before hurling themselves onto “mobile pyres” helpfully provided by the fire service and the Daily Mail. Some, unable to wait, have desperately sought to confess and absolve themselves shortly before performing self-excommunication and then committing suicide. At swimming pools across the land, middle aged men wearing revealing bathing costumes have been attaching large lead weights to themselves and then hurling themselves in at the deep end.
Fired up by the policy’s success in combating paedophilia, David Blunkett has gone on to announce new laws to protect all innocent members of society from sexual abuse. “It is vital that we recognise how many people are victims of sex abuse and provide as many new laws as we can to help them”. Under the new legislation, which Mr Blunkett promised would be carefully drafted after several minutes meticulous review, any sexual act carried out with anyone could result in immediate incarceration if consent was not obtained in writing and signed by both partners parents or guardians. Furthermore, consent could be subsequently removed on discovering the following morning that “you’d actually been a bit pissed, your sexual partner was slightly less attractive than Gus the Gorilla or you just felt a bit ashamed of yourself for being such an easy lay.”
The media has been quick to show how it led the way in cleansing the UK of the “filth that walks our streets and lurks behind every corner.” Piers Morgan, Editor of the Sun, speaking from the set of his photo-shoot recreating the cremation of Myra Hindley entitled “Burn! Burn, you evil fucking witch, Hindley” commented, “It’s time that people realised that zero tolerance is the only language these people understand. And frankly, the law should recognise the rights of a mob of well intentioned public spirited people to surround a suspected paedophile’s house and burn it to the ground.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 