Author’s note: So, this is probably a good time to say that I was actually in favour of the Iraq invasion. Whilst I didn’t believe they possessed any WMD, I did believe that Saddam was a particularly vile dictator and removing him and installing democracy would be a good thing. I continued to believe that the invasion was justified but that the operation post-invasion was a disaster and the cause of much misery. It was only after the Arab spring and the subsequent fall of Gaddafi and the Syrian uprising that I began to doubt whether rapid violent revolutions, either from within or without, could effect beneficial change.
Anyhoo, at the time Russia, France and China were very much against the invasion and poor old Hans Brix, memorably lampooned in Team America, was constantly being accused of not looking hard enough for WMD. This was a fairly silly reflection of that
The UN weapons inspectorate furiously rebutted US charges that it had caved in to French, Russian and Chinese demands for a less able inspecting team and had put in candidates without relevant qualifications.
“It is ridiculous to say that I had no success as a nuclear inspector when working as the director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency,” claimed Hans Blix, head of the UN Weapons Inspectorate. “I always came top in the “find-a-nuke” simulation on our training courses. And how was I to know those North Koreans were lying when they said those large stockpiles of glowing containers were batches of luminous paint they were saving for Halloween? My Mother always told me to trust people, after all, the world would be a lot nicer place if people just trusted one another”
The Brains Trust escorted the weapons inspectors on their first inspections of Iraq. One of the earliest was carried out by Stan “Sniffer” Briggs formerly the chief weapons inspector for the Allied Forces during the Second World War. As he was helped from his bath chair by eager and helpful Iraqi officials, he stood in the doorway sniffing the air determinedly. “You can always smell ’em, weapons of mass destruction,” he commented, adding “Of course, it’s never been the same since they stopped using Napalm and Zyklon B. Nowadays, you’ve can only detect these new-fangled nerve gases with so called high-tech equipment. Well I say you can’t beat the old ways; a clear mind, a keen eye and a sharp ear. What did you say? Speak up man, stop mumbling”
Another inspection was carried out by a younger team led by Kevin Connolly of the 1st Infantry’s Mine Detecting division. Mr. Connolly, who had a pronounced stutter and who’s hands shook visibly, explained that he had never really been the same since a large mine went off after he had tripped over it during a training exercise. “And I’ve never been very good at handling conflict,” he claimed. “So I hope these Iraqis aren’t going to make a fuss about the inspections or I’ll have one of my migraines coming on before you know it. And all this hot weather and desert sand is bound to bring on my allergies. Give it a couple of days and my eyes will be all puffed up and I won’t be able to see a thing. You don’t have any Aspirin on you, do you?”
The Iraqis however continued to denounce the inspections and particularly resented the implication that Presidential Palaces may actually be secret weapons laboratories. Head of Artefacts, Architecture and Special Projects, Mustapha Maroud, commented, “Don’t these people recognise modern architecture? Of course, you traditionalists expect a palace to have turrets and moats and crenellations, but our cutting edge designs reflect the new urban ideal. Tall chimneys belching smoke, miles of pipes and guards wearing the traditional Iraqi dress uniform of lead lined suits and breathing apparatus are the new fashion, so get with it daddy-o.”
The US, however, continues to demand more rigorous inspections and has offered to help out by clearing away some of the clutter in Iraq using the special US cleaning services provided by sub -contractors “EasyBomb” and their new fleet of B2 Stealth Bombers.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 