Africa “saved” by Comic Relief

Author’s note: A mean spirited and horrible article pointing out that Africa probably didn’t need lots more aid but actually other things might help

The grateful continent of Africa gave thanks to the larrikins and jesters of the United Kingdom yesterday as poverty, famine and disease were wiped out in a single day by the “biggest ever celebration of quality comedy material, God save us all” Comic Relief.

Umo Mbatale of the Congo confirmed that her 7-week-old baby, who had perished from dehydration, had been miraculously bought back to life when Billy Connolly appeared and brushed her with his magic beard of comedy. “I knew they lied when they said that powdered baby milk was bad for my baby” explained a delighted Ms Mbatale, proudly sporting a hilarious hairy red nose and preparing to jump into a vat of cold Bird’s custard, thoughtfully supplied by Nestle. “Just because I can’t read, they think I’m stupid. Those nice western people explained to me how much better the powdered milk was than my breast milk, and I mixed it with just the right quantity of river water. How happy I am that Saint Billy came and made everything well again.

Within South Africa, an ecstatic President Thabo Mbeke surrounded by thousands of recently cured AIDS victims confirmed that Comic Relief confirmed what he knew all along – that AIDS was all in the mind. “We don’t need access to fancy foreign drugs when all these people needed was to get out of their beds and laugh it off. And thanks to top-quality madcap japester Vic Reeves, that’s exactly what they’ve been able to do!” Joaquim Chissano, President of Mozambique agreed adding that the last thing the continent wanted now was free trade and access to western markets. “Those anti-globalisation protestors are right. What we want is lots more trade barriers and tarrifs to help us boost our economy and make our people self-sufficient. That and Dawn French paying us a visit. I just love the ‘Vicar of Dibley’ and I like my women big, if you know what I mean!”

Across Africa reports of crops miraculously springing up from drought-ridden fields and delighted natives dancing in the first rain for 5 years flooded in. In the UK Cholmondley Tarrant-Berkley of the National Farmers Union, sporting a head recently shaved with an amusing caricature of Sven Goran-Eriksonn, promised the unstinting support of Western farmers in helping their African counterparts. He explained that farmers would do “everything in their power” to carry on organising sponsored journeys across Europe in motorised baths filled with cold baked beans. “And one day, in the next decade or two, we may even look into allowing these poor, wretched black people to sell their produce over here without slapping a 100% levy on it,” he explained. “Who knows, by the next century we may even have reduced some of the essential subsidies paid to keep us western farmers off of the breadline,” he added stepping into his new Ferrari two-seater convertible combine harvester.

However Richard Curtis, one of the main organisers of Comic Relief hit out at critics of the event. “It is simply rubbish to say that the only function of Comic Relief is to supply a tiny amount of money to the worlds poorest people and salve our consciences so we feel good, allowing us to forget about making real changes that would really allow these people to lead better lives. I mean, look at what it did to our ratings – we absolutely trounced ITV. Hurrah!”