Author’s note: I was really pleased with this article. It was funny, it made some clever points and it tied together a number of different subjects (sci fi films and North Korea) rather well.
The US Government has dismissed a high-priority NASA report that it has detected a massive alien force moving rapidly towards the earth with obvious hostile intent and claimed that the US will defy this “minor threat” and will not be distracted from its preparations for war against Iraq.
“It is clear that the real threat to world peace lies with Saddam and his exceptionally well hidden weapons of mass destruction” announced George Bush in an emergency television broadcast to the nation. The broadcast was set up to pinpoint the “very real threat of imminent nuclear war” posed by Saddam Hussein. During the broadcast Mr. Bush explained that aliens hurtling towards the Earth, possessing massive “war of the worlds” style weapons and vastly superior intelligence was clearly a “worrying development that warranted careful monitoring”. However, several CIA reports indicating that Saddam Hussein could immediately launch a barrage of nuclear weapons “if only he could get his hands on any” required immediate action.
The broadcast follows on from Mr Bush’s recent dismissal of the growing belligerence of North Korea. The North Korean premier, Kim Jong-il, had originally claimed that he was restarting the Korean’s illegal nuclear power programme and would begin reprocessing uranium. This was met by mild diplomatic protests from the US. However a recent photo of Mr Jong-il sitting atop a large nuclear missile whilst exposing his bare buttocks to reveal a tattoo reading “Kiss my hole Dubya wuss-boy. This one’s going to Washington!” was felt to be indicative of Mr Jong-Il’s’s unbalanced and warlike intent. Mr Bush declined to be goaded by the Koreans, however, and pointed out that it was much easier to pick a fight with a despotic leader armed with imaginary weapons of mass destruction, rather than take on a despotic leader armed with real weapons of mass destruction that could very easily cause “actual US casualties.”
However, the imminent alien invasion is believed by many to present a much greater threat. A spaceship filled with Democrat Senators has been launched in an attempt to make contact with the aliens and convey a message of peace to them. It was last seen entering a portal at the front of one of the alien ships, which then appeared to let out a large burp. “We were hoping that Al Gore might have slowed them down a bit, but it doesn’t appear to have had any affect,” claimed Dr. Zaffery Clint of NASA. “We must now assume that the invasion will happen any day now.” Mr. Bush, though, continued to dismiss the intelligence as “just so much eye-wash” and pointed out a “far more worrying” report highlighting an Iraqi paint factory manufacturing several “khaki-like shades of paint” as clear evidence of the build up to an Iraqi invasion. Further reports from the Vatican of the recent sighting of “four horsemen, a beast with seven heads and a large horned creature holding a trident and laughing demonically” were described by Mr Bush as “scaremongering – just like that old, see-through guy with chains who keeps visiting me every night and telling me to turn away from evil.”
As a large alien spacecraft began to hover over the White House and a massive death ray started to hum ominously, Mr. Bush continued to insist that Iraq posed the greatest threat to world peace, but conceded that he may possibly look into buying some protective headgear “or a large umbrella” just in case.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 