Author’s note: It is a fact that the only way the media can keep your attention is by convincing you that everything is terrible and it’s all someone else’s fault
The streets of the United Kingdom lay strewn with the blood and wreckage of previously unwitnessed malevolence as the country slipped rapidly into anarchy and war. Old alliances were torn down, families turned on one another, and political allegiances were as nought as supporters of the war on Iraq continued their bloody conflict with peace campaigners.
Within the Houses of Parliament different factions took shelter behind upturned green leather benches with snipers and machine gun posts taking “maximum casualties” as both sides made desperate scrambles to catch the speaker’s attention and make a point of order. Previous political groupings were shattered as Old Conservatives and New Labour hurled weighty committee minutes into the centre of clusters of Lib Dems and pro-Euro Tories, who retaliated by launching Ian Paisley into the enemy’s despatch boxes.
In Fleet Street and Wapping armed factions from the Daily Mirror and the Sun formed gangs of militia to storm each other’s printing presses. The papers themselves were heavily biased towards their own positions. The Sun featured a daily Page Three girl playfully bayonetting an Iraqi Asylum Seeker and offered a “Kill and Iraqi and win a Rover” competition. The Daily Mirror revealed recently unearthed evidence of Tony Blair and George Bush’s membership of a bizarre Christian sect who regularly “covered their naked bodies in crude oil” before praying to God to forgive them their sins whilst flagellating each other with knotted leather thongs. A further article also revealed how they watched brutal snuff videos of starving Iraqi children being taunted by corpulent CIA agents disguised as aid-worker laughing and eating their daily rations in front of them.
Elsewhere on the streets of the UK, pitched battles raged between “surrender monkeys” and “warmongers.” Veteran peace campaigner Derek Gadd explained his motivation in taking the campaign to the streets “Sometimes violence is the only way to make yourself understood”, he yelled storming up a pro-war barricade and manfully beating a protester about the head with a “Give Peace a Chance” placard. “We’ve tried to make Tony Blair see sense, to understand that war never solved anything but he just won’t fucking listen. Well, Tony Blair, I say to you ‘We know where you live and we’re coming to get you.’ Now who’s got an A to Z on them?”
However, supporter of the war, Chris Jones, promised no mercy to the pacifists, claiming many of them were pinko-liberals and “probably foreigners to boot” “Where would we be if we’d listened to this sort of appeasement nonsense during the war, eh? I bet this lot sit at home, listening to their subversive rap music and eating foreign food when they should be down the pub, eating a nice plate of steak and kidney pie and enjoying a good old English sing-song. God save the King!”
Meanwhile, reports from around the world indicate that a war may have started in the Middle East.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 