Author’s note: The space shuttle Columbia blew up in February 2003 adding to the general sense of gloom and foreboding, and also immediately creating yet another new conspiracy theory.
Conspiracy theorists have angrily denied any involvement in the Columbia disaster denouncing the allegations as part of a sinister plot to undermine their theories on the twin towers, Kennedy assassination and the most recent presidential election.
The shadowy reports state that a group of disaffected conspiracy theorists caused the explosion in order to generate a completely new area on which they can produce poorly researched pseudo-scientific articles, crank theories and massive sweeping generalisations. Speaking on behalf of “Behind you!” the international conspiracy theorists organisation, Melvyn Strange, claimed that ominous Government forces were at work behind the rumours. However, Mr Strange did accept that conspiracy theories have been under pressure for some time now. “Whilst it’s true that since Sept 11th world events have rather overtaken even our most paranoid blatherings, with reality proving more bizarre than fiction, the conspiracy industry has continued to generate a steady stream of highly implausible, tenuously supported hypotheses that still command an impressive amount of internet bandwidth. To claim that we masterminded the Columbia explosion simply to generate fertile new ground for a new set of crackpot ideas is ludicrous”
Despite Mr. Strange’s denial, the internet is already buzzing with theories concerning the disaster. Blurred photo’s purporting to be from the Shuttle cockpit appeared on the Conservative Christian website “Muslim Commie Childrapers” and show the Captain of the vessel desperately wrestling with Osama Bin Laden. The Anti-Capitalism alliance “Poor people hate money” claims that the crash was not caused by terrorists, but that the arch-Republican astronauts jettisoned their own ship rather than land at Cape Kennedy. The Global Jewish Conspiracy website claims that the Israeli astronaut caused the explosion after stealing all of his fellow astronauts money and then loaning it back to them at extortionate interest rates meaning they had to sell off vital equipment to make up the debt repayments. However, a Zionist site, Wewereherefirst.com, claims that the explosion was almost certainly caused by a Palestinian suicide bomber who had secreted himself in the Israeli’s hand luggage.
The Brains Trust spoke to leading conspiracy theorist Graham Hancock who is busy developing a “Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory” linking all major conspiracies including the Pyramids, Jack the Ripper, the moon landings and Lord Lucan into a single seamless whole. “It seems clear to me that the Shuttle disaster was caused by a rebel group of non-aligned theorists who wish to start up their own network of barking mad hypotheses. I am quite certain that this is funded by some sort of secretive Government funded counter intelligence organisation. In fact it may be that they have already secreted themselves into senior Government positions – has anyone else notice how much like Tony Blair looks like David Icke? I mean you never see them in the same room together, do you?”
However, in the US President George Bush denounced the “hysterical rumour mill” that had started in the wake of the tragedy. He explained that the CIA had already identified the likely cause as a “suspicious moustachioed Middle Eastern man answering to the name of Saddam seen lurking near the launch pad” and had already ordered the entire US military to take appropriate remedial action.
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