Author’s note. There had to be a reason they couldn’t find WMD in Iraq. Step forward cartoon villain David Copperfield
David Copperfield, the celebrity magician, has been captured and smuggled out of Iraq in a covert operation by the Central Intelligence Agency. The arrest of Mr. Copperfield is claimed by the CIA to explain why the UN weapon’s inspectors have had such little success in finding any of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.
“We know that these things have got to be pretty big and we just couldn’t understand why no one could seem to find them,” announced a beaming Colin Powell at a Government press conference. “But this explains everything. This guy can make a jumbo jet disappear with just a large silk canopy, a couple of piercing, beetlebrow stares and a simple wave of his hand. Getting rid of a large number of anthrax-laden warheads and a couple of nuclear reactors would be child’s play. I tell you, I’ve watched his video loads of times and I still can’t figure out how he does it”
Mr Powell also reminded his audience how Mr. Copperfield could “walk on thin air” which was clearly in contravention of the Iraqi no-fly zone. Furthermore, his abilities at mind control and “guess the card” tricks would enable him to stay one step ahead of the UN inspectors. His record in dating a German model and ability to speak French has also been held as evidence of his complicity.
Claims that Mr. Copperfield was actually at home in Manhattan asleep in bed when he was seized have been strongly denied by the CIA. However, the brief glimpse of Mr Copperfield dressed in silk pyjamas and a large hairnet whilst being herded onto a plane destined for Guantanamo Bay reinforced this view. Mr Powell was adamant, though, that the arrest of Mr Copperfield was a clear victory in the war on terrorism. He also explained that his detention in an offshore island without any access to legal representation or the media was simply to ensure that he “couldn’t try any of his slippery magic tricks to escape”. “He has already asked for a large glittery wardrobe for his room, but were not falling for that one. He’d just have to step inside it, there’d be a puff of smoke and he’d be off,” nodded Mr. Powell knowingly.
Mr. Powell also confirmed that the US is already looking at exploiting the magician’s techniques themselves. David Blaine has been hired to make George Bush invisible and thereby avoid assassination attempts – a move that has already been widely welcomed across Europe. Initial trials by Mr. Blaine have had some success in making the leadership of the Democrats shrink to the size of pygmies before disappearing. Attempts by Paul Daniels, the English magician, to mount a similar operation on Iain Duncan Smith backfired when it was found that Mr. Duncan Smith was already totally invisible and, after casting the spell, Mr. Daniels’ career completely disappeared.
Other countries are also starting to look into using similar plans. France has hired some voodoo priests from its former African colonies to stick pins in effigies of Tony Blair, whilst Mr. Blair has asked his cabinet to study videos of the Amazing Randi, so that they can try and turn stroppy backbenchers into white rabbits or a bunch of coloured streamers. However, Israel is attempting the most ambitious strategy by hiring Uri Geller to try and make Palestine completely disappear.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 