Author’s note: Another article that I was very pleased with and got a lot of coverage
Tensions remain high in a stand-off at an Israeli café today after Muhammed al-Khan, a Palestinian resident, forced his way into the packed coffee-shop with explosives strapped to his body and then refused to detonate them after declaring he was depressed and “fed up with this whole suicide thing.”
Al-Qaeda negotiators have been engaged in discussions with Mr. al-Khan for several hours, encouraging him to overcome his feelings of loneliness and rejection and “do the decent thing and hit the detonator” but he has so far rejected their calls. Meanwhile, Mr al-Khan has issued a set of demands including “proof of an afterlife and some sort of meeting with a Supreme Being.” Negotiators are attempting to buy less time by offering an immediate meeting with “a senior prophet” although arguments continue as to his identity, however, Mr al-Khan has refused and is threatening to become an atheist or “possibly a Roman Catholic.”
Mr al-Khan is believed to have become a suicide bomber after attending a training camp in Afghanistan last year where fellow trainees described him as unpopular and “something of a loner.” They also allege that he resented often being the last to be selected for team sports and he also described one chapter from the Koran as “poorly written and totally unbelievable.”
“He rarely took part in group bonding sessions and would frequently question the wisdom of blowing himself up in a crowded room full of innocent bystanders,” claimed Shaheen Yazdam, who attended the same course and was part of Mr al-Khans final group project team, which only 4 members of the group survived. “Frankly he didn’t really fit in. He’d often make unhelpful comments about the afterlife and asked why we couldn’t get to sleep with virgins before matyrdom.”
Speaking on behalf of al-Qaeda senior cleric Abu Qatada confirmed that although Mr al-Khan had “barely scraped through” his course-work and had had to resit his infidel theory paper, he had rapidly found employment as a Palestinian suicide bomber. Even here though, his new employers found him “distracted and unable to concentrate on the job at hand.” “We will have to look into our screening process,” claimed Mr Qatada. “We target disaffected young men and can usually rely on them being easily malleable and susceptible to the promise of as much sex as they like in the afterlife. However, if they start going off and thinking for themselves, all Hell could break loose. Or, even worse, the complete opposite.”
It is believed that Mr al-Khan has also started to befriend his hostages, exhibiting the symptoms of the so called “Stockholm syndrome”, with alleged discussions of the group getting together for a barbeque or “next years Chanukah.” Negotiators are keeping quiet on this subject, but it does appear that plans are being put into place to send in an anti-rescue squad of highly trained attackers to storm the building, seize Mr al-Khan and detonate his explosives before he has a chance disable them or release the hostages.
Commenting on the reports, Mr. Qatada would only say that al-Qaeda must be careful to avoid a sudden rising up of “non-fundamentalist middle-of-the roadism” fuelled by liberalism and tranquil young men which could lead to the nightmare scenario “peaceful protests, reasoned debate or, God help us, democracy”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 