Author’s note: As I have noted elsewhere I was broadly in favour of the Iraq invasion for reason’s outlined in this article. What a naive fool. It is also true that one man’s dictator is another man’s strong leader
A group made up of the world’s most brutal dictatorships has demanded that the US immediately ceases it bellicose threats against Iraq and stops its call for regime change as this could “seriously undermine the future of totalitarian dictators across the whole world”
The statement was made after the group attended a conference convened to discuss the reaction to a possible war with Iraq and suggest alternative measures. “It is clear that removing homicidal tyrants with violence is not the answer,” claimed Robert Mugabe in his conference address. “If we start removing one maniacal despot by force, before you know it they’ll be popping round and turfing all the rest of us out.” Mr Mugabe pointed out that for many years dictators around the world had been ruling via the use of revolutionary justice and a large number of exceptionally big machetes and had received no complaints from anyone. “Now is not the time to rush into things and change all that,” he claimed. “We could be throwing out years of hard-won experience of repression and best practice torture. What we need is a long and careful review of the situation and the widest possible discussion of options for change.”
Many of Iraq’s neighbours also addressed the conference. Syria and Saudi Arabia in a joint speech pointed out that the removal of Saddam Hussein and subsequent installation of democracy could cause tremendous problems in their countries. “Before you know it, every smelly Palestinian refugee will be demanding the right to vote. Women will be moaning on about equal rights and all those disgusting peasants will want houses, education and clean water- the mind boggles. Is this really the sort of plutocratic state that me and my fellow despots have brutally suppressed our people for? I think not.”
Peace protestors were also vocal in their opposition to regime change using violence. “It’s time to see the good side of these dictatorships” claimed Jonathan Flowers, Professor of Cultural Change and Modern Languages at Camden University. “People always focus on the negative aspects, like torture and murder and chemical weapons. But what about the wonderful uniforms, the lack of litter and superb parades. And let’s not forget that you don’t hear Mickey Moaning, Cuthbert Complaint or Sidney Swear-Word in the bars and cafes. Mr. Flowers was promoting his solution to allow the “promulgation of peace” via the use of “happy words.” “Language can be a powerful tool in overcoming negative forces and oppression,” claimed Mr. Flowers. “George Bush says Iraq is Evil. Well I say ‘Evil’ is just an anagram of ‘Love’. Almost. And it’s definitely an anagram of ‘Live’ and that’s what Mr. Hussein and his people should be allowed to do.”
The conference finished by suggesting a number of measures to allay Western fears but to allow an undemocratic, military regime to continue in Iraq. One suggestion was to allow Iraq a transition to a benign dictatorship, which, although brutal and repressive, would offer unstinting praise of the US and allow western oil interests unfettered access Iraq’s oil industry. Another scheme involved setting up a “shamocracy” whereby the people would be allowed to vote for anyone they chose. However, the voting would be carried out using an arcane hole punch system and all of the ballot papers would be chucked in the bin prior to declaring either the President, the President’s simple-minded son or the President’s simple-minded son’s brother as the winner.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 