Author’s note: This was supposed to be an amusing, if slightly dark, bit of Christmas silliness. But with what we know now about the BBC, it looks rather prescient.
Police declared themselves satisfied with Operation Fairytale today, which has resulted in the arrest of a number of high-profile children’s entertainers on child abuse charges.
The operation follows on from a number of moves to protect children from perverts including not allowing the filming of nativity plays, never touching a child, ever, ever and ensuring that a child’s first words are “get your hands away from me, you filthy pervert”
Those arrested include many previously well-beloved characters. Father Bear was reportedly shopped by his own wife after abusing a girl who had “eaten his porridge”. The “big bad wolf”, in moves eerily similar to a recent case in Germany, is claimed to have eaten an elderly woman and attempted to do the same to her grand-daughter. Finally, the so-called good fairy is alleged to have disguised himself in a ballerina’s costume and lurked at the top of Christmas trees so that he could flash his knickers at youngsters.
The arrest of Father Christmas has also shocked many. Mr. Christmas, who has several aliases, has worked with children for many years. Previously, he had reportedly agreed to seek counselling for an obsessive-compulsive disorder, related to bulimia, that forced him to live the life of a recluse, hoarding items all year and then suddenly travelling the world and giving them away on a single night. However, he is now believed to have confessed to indulging his own perversions as a fat, bearded geriatric with a penchant for stockings, allegedly sitting children on his knee and giving them toys and sweeties as long as they promise him they’ll “be good”.
Speaking on behalf of the pressure group “Paedos are everywhere”, Derek Gadd explained that he was particularly disgusted at the arrest of the Fairytale characters. “These were supposed to be people that our lovely innocent angels could look up to and trust. They were supposed to teach messages of love and show strong moral leadership. Now it turns out they’ve been trying to poison children with toxic apples, forcing them to work as slaves and luring them into houses with gingerbread so they can torture them. And apparently they’ve been celebrating these acts of barbarism by writing them down and illustrating them. It’s disgusting!”
Mr. Gadd also attacked what he called the “quasi-mystical” elements of Christmas. “People are bringing pagan rites into the whole Christmas celebration. Everyone knows that Christmas is about giving presents, eating and drinking as much as you can and watching TV for 18 hours a day. That’s what people want – a traditional Christmas – not some weird ceremony involving stories about an unmarried Mother, three creepy foreigners offering unsolicited ‘gifts’ and some very suspicious and unsanitary sleeping arrangements with animals.”
However, Father Christmas was unrepentant last night. On being contacted by the Brains Trust he simply cackled with laughter saying, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas everybody.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 