Author’s note: As always, France was behaving like a dick. In this case it was becoming increasingly pissed off that other members of the EU showed independence of thought. Anyway, this article got picked up by some US republican website and went through the roof for views
France announced today that it has decided to “rip up every bloody European Treaty and start again” by forming an entirely New European Union (NEU) consisting solely of itself.
The decision was made by President Jacques Chirac after a report by the French Government revealed that the EU was becoming overrun with foreigners “many of whom don’t agree with the French.” The report highlighted the original aims of the European Union that were clearly designed to support French interests, provide subsidies for French Farmers and “stop Germany repeatedly invading us”
France now feels that these ideals have been lost and many countries “expressing no gratitude whatsoever for all we’ve done for them” are now starting to show worrying signs of independence. The enlargement of the EU to include many poor Eastern European countries causes France particular concern, especially their “greedy and unjustifiable” demands for agricultural subsidies which “properly belong to the people of France”.
It is believed that the recent letter of support for the US from many European countries including the UK, Spain, the Czech Republic and Italy was the final straw prompting accusations of the Americanisation of Europe. “When these minor league no-hopers align themselves with an autocratic, imperious, selfish country that thinks only of itself instead of France, it is clear things have gone too far. Their childish and juvenile behaviour marks them out as petulant and infantile,” Mr Chirac exclaimed, after angrily storming out of the latest EU meeting, slamming the door and refusing to come back in unless everybody agreed to “play by his rules.” When the other countries refused, Mr. Chirac employed other diplomatic tactics including holding his breath until he went “bright red”, screaming and screaming until he was sick and rolling around and beating his fists on the floor. When these also failed he then announced the formation of the NEU.
The French are only including themselves in the initial membership of the NEU and are expected to maintain control of all of the decision making bodies and writing all of the treaties, however it is thought to be keen to invite other countries to join in the not too distant future. The countries will expected to meet rigorous selection criteria including “speaking French, hating America and capitulating to every last one of our demands.” However, France has promised that its foreign policy will not be tied down by what bit calls the “outmoded and judgmental promotion of democracy”.
Instead, Jean-Pierre Raffarin, Prime Minister of France, claimed that France will use the NEU for “promoting the ideals for which France is justly famous. Liberty to sell arms to whomever we like, fraternity with all people of the world as long as you take our agricultural products and we don’t have to take yours and equality for all French speakers.” In return, it is expected that France will offer a combination of goods and services including access to exceptionally cheap wine, cut-price Nuclear power stations and some of the “best security information NATO has to offer”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 