Author’s note: By now, the media had it in for Cherie Blair and so the revelation that she had been using some nutcase healer who had a boyfriend who was an Australian con-man as an advisor was manna from heaven and became known, in the time honoured tradition, as Cherie-gate.
The use of the word “gate” as a suffix to describe any political scandal is to be banned under new legislation put forward by the Government.
“The whole thing has got completely out of hand” claimed Home Secretary David Blunkett. “I mean, Watergate was an actual place which was fine. But then we had Contra-gate, Arms-to-Iran-Gate, Monica-gate. I mean it’s just ridiculous. And then it came over here – Archer-gate, Diana-gate and now Cherie-gate. Haven’t you people got any originality at all? How about Cherie-aide, for example, that would be a good one” he finished, looking rather smug.
However, the Tories have already called the removal of the suffix a scandal of unprecedented proportions and christened it “Gate-gate”. They claim that it is the inalienable right of “lazy and drunken journalists” to pour out “kant and cliché” with alacrity. “Our great tradition of the free press didn’t achieve success by coming up with original ideas or unique headlines” claimed Iain Duncan Smith. “They did it by pinching each other’s ideas and claiming them as a ‘world exclusive'”
However, the new legislation has received a welcome in other parts of the community, with many celebrities coming out in favour. Graeme Garden has explained how he dreaded the day his cottaging of 16 year old boys on Clapham Common would be revealed by the News of the World with headline “Garden-gate”. Gareth Gates has also expressed relief that his inevitable decline into drugs and Z-list celebrity status would never be described as Gareth Gates-gate. The non-appearance of headlines such as “Flood-gate”, “Golden-gate” or “Please shut the-gate” has also been greeted with relief.
As the ban started to take affect, bemused journalists sat around their offices staring blankly at articles on corrupt politicians, barmy advisors and blatantly homosexual celebrities unable to think of a headline. Others frantically placed slips of paper with various hyperboles written on them into a sack before drawing them out and using them to randomly assemble a headline. “I’ve got Scandal Disgrace Shock Paedo Creep Prince Charles” explained Derek Gadd chief crime correspondent for the Sun. “But it doesn’t really help with this article on Michael Portillo”
David Blunkett finished by claiming that the new measures will ensure a new era of originality in the British media. “And if it stops them going on about Cherie for a couple of days, then even better”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 