Author’s note: There was a lot of chatter about George Bush and Tony Blair being Christians and wondering whether the “prayed together”. I quite liked the idea of treating extreme religiosity as an addiction.
President George Bush, a reformed alcoholic, has confessed in a moving address to the nation that he has swapped “one fix for another” and is now “100% addicted to God.”
Mr. Bush has decided to come clean about his troubles after realising that his dependence on God has now taken over his whole life and influences all of his decisions. “I need to take some time out to get some professional help” he explained. “I do not have responsibility for my own actions anymore. Everything I do is controlled by the craving to get the high that only God can give me.” Mr Bush claims that he has tried to wean himself away from his habit, but finds it impossible when there is temptation on every street corner. “Wherever I go, I can just walk into any church and get my fix. The God dealers are just waiting to welcome you and everything’s available: Jesus, Jehovah, you name it. And it sickens me to say it but they don’t care who they give this stuff to, women, kids, rich poor, just as long as they get you hooked and coming back to put money in their collection plate”
Mr Bush’s addiction is particularly worrying, as God has been conclusively proved over a number of years to lead its victims into violence, unwanted pregnancies and poverty. Mr. Bush himself has already started to show classic symptoms of paranoia and violence seen in other God addicts. He frequently invokes God when launching into intemperate and bellicose arguments and uses God to justify acts of assault or murder
Godwatch, the God addiction charity, believes that Mr Bush’s problems may simply be the tip of the iceberg. It feels that many of today’s world leaders share a similar addiction to various forms of God and this could lead to turf wars as groups of addicts try to establish their dominance in another’s patch. Godwatch also points out that it is all too easy for the powerful to get their hands on and abuse pure religion. “All it takes is money and you can buy yourself any religion,” reports their spokesperson Karen Hart. “The problem is before they know it, the religion has taken over and they are unable to control their habit. Sure they usually start on the soft stuff – a weekly visit to a church or mosque for social religion taking, the odd prayer or two. But then before you know it, they’re issuing fatwas or launching crusades.”
Groups including scientists and philosophers have been looking for some time now to create a God-substitute that could be used to wean addicts away from their habit. Their latest efforts to produce a so-called Grand Unified Theory made up of moral philosophy, evolution and mathematics have been disappointing so far though. Users have reported that a single hit of God is a simpler, quicker way to get high and that the GUT requires too much effort.
However, George Bush has promised to persevere with the treatment just as soon as he has attended “one more prayer meeting, for old times sake”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 