Gordon Brown to “tax everything”

Author’s note: Budget day and a bit of silliness

Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has announced that his budget will contain a host of new taxes to support the funding of the war, the rebuilding of the country’s transport infrastructure, the national health service, the new conservatory for his house, his mate Barry’s liposuction and “anything else I bloody well like.”

Mr Brown made the announcement unexpectedly during his budget speech. The speech started in the usual way with repeated references to prudence, the need for fiscal rectitude and tedious revenue projections. However, after several hours of speaking and repeated sips from the traditional budget glass of whisky, Mr. Brown dropped his prepared speech and seemed to lose interest in his current topic.

It was at this point that Mr. Brown, now freely draining a litre bottle of ‘Awd McAllister’s Finest Scotch Mist’, announced his set of new taxes. These included a tax on anyone who disagrees with the war, a tax on Prime Minister’s who refuse to step down after six years and a tax on anyone who mentions the Euro. Mr. Brown, now warming to his theme and attempting to intravenously attach the bottle to his arm, then went onto announce further “revenue improvement strategies” including removing “freedom” of speech and instituting a “pay per vowel” system.

Iain Duncan Smith then intervened but was immediately subject to a “looking at me in a funny way” levy by Mr. Brown, who was now addressing his speech to the “large, pink rabbit sitting in the corner of the chamber.” As Mr Duncan Smith complained that he would be unable to pay the “million-billion pounds” demanded by Mr Brown, several Labour MP’s tried to manhandle the Chancellor to the ground. However, they backed off when they were warned that any such moves would mean that their constituents would be targets for the new “Poor people tax” which Mr. Brown was about to announce.

Mr Brown continued with further announcements including the “noisy sex tax” for anyone engaging in noisy sexual acts, at which point he looked pointedly at the Prime Minister. This was enthusiastically endorsed by David Blunkett who would be “personally policing” the enforcement of the levy using his new nation-wide set of domestic CCTV cameras and listening devices that he was planning to announce.

The Chancellor was able to confirm that there would be certain exemptions to the new taxes. These included the “Gordon indemnity” for anyone named Gordon, the “essential services exclusion” for anyone fulfilling a role of national importance, “such as a Chancellor of the Exchequer” and the “Scottish people living in London rebate” which would provide a set of grants and refunds for impoverished Scotsmen living in sheltered accommodation in or around Westminster.

The clearly exhausted Chancellor then weaved unsteadily back to his seat on the front bench and sat down, demanding that the Prime Minister “budge up a bit”. Michael Howard then stood up to reply on behalf of the opposition, but sat down again after realising that his 3000 word response would cost him over seven thousand pounds, commenting that “the Conservative Party didn’t have that kind of cash on it.”