Author’s note: The invasion still hadn’t started but what was the government to do with all those annoying Peaceniks?
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, put emergency legislation before Parliament today reintroducing conscription for certain “key members of the public” including “peaceniks, lefties, Daily Mirror journalists and members of the Liberal Democrats”
Mr. Blair claimed that conscription was necessary to fulfil various essential duties “on the front line, in the back office and especially in the latrines.” Papers are already being served on “key professions” and a number of personnel have already been assigned to units ready for action. “Most of those chosen can’t wait to get stuck in,” explained Mr. Blair. “Of course, there’s a lot of blubbing and pleading when we first tell them, but as soon as the sedative/LSD inoculation kicks in, they’re as keen as mustard gas.”
Geoff Hoon, the Defence Secretary, explained that he had been so moved by Charles Kennedy’s offer of “full moral support” for our troops that he has allowed him to provide it personally by stationing him on the front line with the infamous SAS “Kill 99” division. It is believed that Mr. Kennedy will lead a “Distraction Unit” within the SAS, responsible for drawing enemy fire. Major-General Douglas “Doggo” Davies explained that Mr. Kennedy will be taken blindfolded to the front line, stationed in front of the Iraqi troops, at which point the blindfold will be removed. “We are sure the sight of a terrified, carrot-topped boy-scout screaming for his mummy and running around like a greyhound with his arse on fire is bound to attract the attention of the Iraqi Presidential Guard. And those guys are armed to the teeth, I wouldn’t want my SAS lads having to take them on without some sort of diversion.”
The Brains Trust also managed to speak briefly to a surprised looking Robin Cook, recently promoted Commander-in-Chief of the Chemical Weapons Detection unit, manfully clutching an unloaded revolver, military cane and rather sickly canary. He told us, “Look, don’t these people know a joke when they hear one? Anyone could see I had my fingers crossed when I made that speech in the Commons. And how was I to know that starting my speech with my favourite Saddam jokes would go down so badly?” Mr. Cook then led his battalion of conscripts onto the recently recommissioned “almost certainly fully working” Tiger-Moth plane, wearing the traditional uniform of “full strait jacket and restraining harness” and carried aloft on the ceremonial “stretcher of victory”
As Chris Smith, Ken Clark and several hundred Liberal Democrats, Guardian readers and University lecturers were loaded onto commandeered cross-channel Ferries, a spokesman confirmed that Claire Short had been reassigned from her original post of “Baghdad Attack Force – Catapult Officer” to become the chief WREN responsible for “Prime Ministerial catering support.” The spokesman also confirmed that, unusually, the conscription would extend to other nationalities and that Mr. Blair was personally looking forward to greeting Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroder in their new role as “Daisycutter pilots.” Mr Blair is reported to have got a made to measure seat for both of them ready on the first bombs to be launched.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 