Author’s note: This still seems rather a good idea
The Government has launched a radical new plan for reforming the House of Lords after its current proposals became mired in political infighting. The new plan seeks to tackle the thorny issue of the selection of qualified candidates as well removing a huge threat to world peace by offering peerages to some of the world’s vilest dictators.
The plan was introduced by the current Leader of the House of Lords, Lord Williams of Mostyn, who hailed it as a “master-stroke” offering a solution to two of the most vexing – and majority threatening – problems in the world today. Lord Williams pointed out that the plan should have a very short lead-time as dictators would immediately feel at home in the Lords. “It is a fantastically opulent environment, offering round the clock waitering, the finest food and drink -all massively subsidised – and the opportunity to make up any laws you see fit without ever having to go to the bother of an election or the pretence of representation.” Lord Williams also pointed out that by providing some of the world’s worst dictators with a safe-haven, the Government would be removing a threat to world peace whilst ensuring that they have no affect on life in Britain as “the House of Commons will just do what it always does and ignore the stupid old sods”.
In addition to the ease of integration by the dictators into the Lords, it is also felt that the dictators themselves have many of the attributes familiar to the second chamber. Karen Hart, of the pressure group Dictatorwatch, explained that just like the Lords, dictators were an unelected, autocratic minority who performed no useful function and lived a life a luxury at the expenses of their subjects. “There is practically a 100% overlap in their job descriptions,” she explained. “It is also true that the majority of dictators are completely mad and hand over their position of power to a similarly insane first-born son. Frankly, the similarities are starting to scare me.”
However, there are reports of teething troubles during the first sitting of the new House. Lord Saddam of Fylingdales immediately declared all of the seats surrounding his as his own sovereign territory and laid down on top of them refusing to move and threatening to set fire to them if he was ejected. Archbishop Mugabe hogged all of the buffet lunch, refusing to let anyone but his own assistants (or Lord-veterans, as he referred to them) sit at any of the tables. Most perturbingly, Chief Justice Kim Jong-il was involved in a heated debate with Lady Milosoveic at the end of which he threatened to launch a portable nuclear periwig which he had smuggled into the chamber.
The Government is confident that these difficulties can be ironed out and is already looking at plans to extend the reach of the new chamber. Initial ideas are believed to include offering minor peerages to lesser dictators or corrupt democrats. The Government is also keen to extend the remit beyond the Lords and into the Royal Family itself. King George W the Junior is said to be considering the offer.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 