Author’s note: So, Iraq was duly flattened and when asked about the looting of the Baghdad Museum Donald Rumsfeld replied “Stuff Happens”. Fortunately, the UK planners were on hand to assist
As the war in Iraq draws to a close, plans for the rebuilding of the country are being drawn up with the UK promising to deliver “the best of British” design, manufacture and management to vital Iraq services.
Claire Short, the International Development Minister, promised that the finest British expertise was being made ready to help get the country back on its feet. Civil service masterminds are already reviewing the transport infrastructure and have spotted several areas for improvement. A report highlights the “alarming number of potholes” in the Baghdad streets and “the sudden disappearance into large craters of several primary rail lines. These could well become a health hazard if left unattended as well as being likely to delay commuter traffic.”
The report also reveals the shocking state of the water services, commenting that the majority of Iraqis they have interviewed seem to exhibit “poor personal hygiene” and were in need of a “damn good wash. Don’t these people know how to use the bathroom?” Other utilities are also in a bad way, according to the survey with the authors mentioning that “the hotel air conditioning was at best intermittent, the mini-bar appeared to contain no alcohol and the swimming pool wasn’t much to write home about, either.”
In order to remedy these issues, the report puts forward a plan that would aim to get the country’s infrastructure “up to a level of quality that any British person would recognise within the next 30 years.” It proposes an ambitious set of targets, a phased privatisation programme and set of public-private partnerships. It also promotes a long series of consultations with local Iraqi resident’s groups and a number of investigations by Steering Committees to ensure that aid money is not being wasted.
Other initiatives include a comprehensive review of the branch line system for optimum commuter usage “especially for fleeing Iraqi citizens who complained that few trains stopped at convenient air-raid bunkers”, a study into the feasibility of congestion charging “particularly in times of invasion, when traffic appeared to grind to a halt” and a full scale overhaul of the facilities at Baghdad international airport which “seem more appropriate to a military installation and unlikely to attract essential package tourists.”
The UK will also export “a plethora of quality goods” to help ease Iraqi suffering, according to Ms. Short. These will include “top of the range Amstrad computers, a fleet of sought after vehicles such as this recently refurbished Austin Allegro and that pinnacle of British achievement, the Millennium Dome, just as soon as Lord Falconer can remember where he left the key.” Charity clothing collections have also yielded an impressive array of thermal vests, bobble hats and unmatched socks to help Iraqis cope with any sudden cold snaps which, Ms Short reminded the press, “can happen when those summer evenings get very chilly”. The aid will also include the finest British cuisine including Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Puddings, Tynebrand Pie Fillings and Bernard Matthews Premium Turkey Nuggets. However suppliers have reluctantly agreed to withdraw pork faggots from the menu “to show sensitivity for local Muslim beliefs and stop our aid workers getting the shit kicked out of them if they offer one to any US servicemen.”
In return for this help, former Iraqi Health Minister Tariq Al-Barquat has promised to reciprocate by sending a team of own experts to the UK. “We have seen the terrible state of your hospitals and are sure we can help get them to the same standard enjoyed by our Iraqi ones. After all the help you’ve given us in the last few weeks, it seems the least we could do.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 