Author’s note: This was my friend Jonathan Selby’s idea. I wrote it up, but Tom immediately declared it to trivialise a desperate situation and it was never published.
Shocked commentators around the world expressed horror at the revelation that the Iraqi regime was an elaborate Internet myth, perpetrated by misunderstanding and gullible computer users.
As the US and its allies launched total all-out annihilation of the Iraqi regime, the clues that the regime itself may not actually exist mounted to become overwhelming evidence. It now appears that although Saddam Hussein was President of Iraq, he fled the country with his family shortly after the start of the first Gulf war. His last actions on leaving were to switch the “Out of Office” response on his Outlook e-mail system to reply “Fuck you Bush!” to any incoming e-mails and tell the local television company to “keep re-running my broadcasts about the US. Especially that one about ‘The Great Satan’ where I was looking particularly Presidential”
After Saddam fled, Iraq installed a liberal democracy and claims to be one of the most progressive Arab states, offering equal rights for women and a constitution enshrining fundamental freedoms of speech, protest and protection from discrimination. They are also believed to be the only country in the world to have elected an openly gay President who shares his palace with his partner, Clive, and holds regular parties for his subjects.
Unfortunately, after the first Gulf war, the US immediately lost interest in Iraq and sporadic e-mails from the UN to demand the installation of weapons inspectors would be met with the same response. “Every few months we’d have another go,” explained UN Chief Weapon’s Inspector Hans Blix. “We’d e-mail Saddam with a long list of demands and every time he’d reply ‘Fuck you Bush’. Then you’d see him pop up on television, ranting about the Great Satan and we just assumed he was going off on one again.”
In reality, Saddam fled to the UK where he shaved off his moustache, changed his name to Stan Houston and became a landscape gardener. His regular appearances on Gardeners Question Time and his specialist knowledge of weedkillers and pest control have built him a large following amongst the middle classes. He spoke to the Brains Trust earlier today, claiming “I keep telling everyone I am really Saddam Hussein former President of Iraq and there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. But they just tap their nose, wink and say ‘That Stan, eh? He’s a real caution.’ It’s really fucking irritating.”
His sons Uday and Qusay, now known as Darryl, a yoga instructor, and Kevin, an avuncular pub landlord agreed, adding that they were particularly disappointed that their charity work has gone unrecognised. “We raised over £400 for Comic Relief this year with my sponsored pork scratching supper evening,” claimed Darryl. “But all you ever hear about is snuff videos, eye-gouging and torture. Hasn’t everyone done a few things in their youth that they regret?”
As the reality of the situation became apparent, the US vowed to carry on the invasion of Iraq as “they had to try their new military hardware out somewhere” but acknowledged that they would need to find a new world figure to demonise for the American news networks. It is unclear who will be selected, however the authorities are keen to interview Mr Oswald Binlander of Tamworth.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 