Author’s note: Congestion charging was about to start and Ken Livingstone was still the gift that keeps on giving
Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, has announced additional measures to ensure that anti congestion mechanisms will be effective in the UK’s capital and that, if necessary, extreme measures can be invoked to ensure the reduction of traffic using “all available force”
Dressed in combat fatigues, tin helmet and sporting a vast array of medals, Mr Livingstone announced that London would be looking to adopt the most aggressive stance possible against “congestion and the causes of congestion”. He explained that even though the Greater London Authority had erected a vast array of surveillance cameras that would monitor every vehicle travelling into the capital, it was clear that a large number of motorists were seeking ways to avoid congestion charging. Mr Livingstone confirmed that he would be taking personal responsibility for ensuring that they were brought to justice. “I am the law” he announced, toying playfully with a large Magnum 44.
Mr. Livingstone continued, “Even before congestion charging is introduced, we have become aware of people seeking to dupe the system by smothering their number plates with mud, employing sophisticated radar jamming equipment and – most frightening of all – walking, cycling or using public transport. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated and I have immediately ordered additional security measures to stop it in its tracks.”
Mr Livingstone’s “Zero Tolerance, Zero Travellers” policy will come into force forthwith and uses several new techniques to discourage “cars, motorbikes, pedestrians and anyone else likely to clog up my route to work.” Initial measures will include upgrading the “ring of steel” surrounding the City of London with watch towers and sub-machine gun posts, converting the North and South Circular to a gigantic shark infested moat and stationing pearly Kings and Queens at all major access points to terrify unfortunate visitors with a couple of choruses of “Roll out the Barrel.”
In the unlikely event that these measure prove ineffective and a number of unwary commuters still mange to break through, Mr. Livingstone has indicated that he will go even further. Battalions of seek and destroy traffic warden death squads armed with the latest high-tech weaponry are being trained to issue cluster bomb parking tickets. Ninja attack units have been instructed to deliver “death chops” to errant cyclists and joggers and satellite guided star wars lasers are being loaned from the US military to remove lorries and vans, although initial trials have only succeeded in destroying 13 mosques and large parts of the Periphique in Paris.
In the event of all these measures failing, Mr. Livingstone has employed a final backstop position by building a “dirty bomb” that can be launched from within the confines of the former County Hall. The bomb will contaminate a conveniently congestion zone sized area ensuring that the centre of London will be unapproachable for the next fifty years. “Unless” explained Mr. Livingstone, “You have had the foresight to have invested your taxpayers money in an “EeZee Walk” anti-radiation suit and lead insulation throughout your central London apartment”
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