Author’s note: This was originally written by an old friend of mine, the wonderfully named Rob Banks.
The leader of the Fire Brigades Union (FBU), Andy Gilchrist, launched a radical solution to break the deadlock in the fire strike today. “It seems clear to us that concentrating on pay and conditions has not worked in the current negotiations. As such, we have tabled an agenda which offers a modest pay increase and modernised working practice in return from a commitment by homeowners to assume first line firefighting duties themselves.”
Mr Gilchrist pointed out that most fires attended by the fire service resulted in massive losses as a result of fire and water damage, regardless of how quickly the fire was extinguished. “If people simply let fires burn out themselves, the damage is likely to be about the same. However, it will not cause disruption to a firefighters sleep patterns or the unnecessary use of firefighting equipment that could be better employed nipping down to the shops or attending a local charity event or supermarket opening”
The £85,000 a year father of four, speaking from his £800,000 mansion on the South Coast, complete with its own sprinkler system, then went on to call for a massive 40% drop in emergency calls. “I know this is an ambitious goal, but with public support, a willingness not to dial 999 and the following of a few common-sense rules such as never smoking, lighting fires or using candles, matches or other naked flames, I know we can achieve it. And in the event of a fire, our message to the public is simple: do not call out the fire service unless a firefighters home is also at risk.”
Mr Gilchrist sees this as an “escape route” to the stalemate of the ACAS negotiations. He remains resolute in his rejection of the employers “meagre” 11.6% offer, whilst other public sector workers were coming away from the negotiation tables with agreements in excess of 1.9%. However, Mr. Gilchrist did offer one other ray of hope by stating that he was prepared to enter into exclusive negotiations linking his own pay to those of business leader in a similar role such as the “Chief executives of Vodafone, GlaxoSmithKline or possibly the Prime-Minister” as a way out of the deadlock.
Mr. Gilchrist also urged the public to change its view of the fire-fighters as “do-gooders” who are prepared to lay down their lives for others at little or no reward. “Altruism is so 20th Century. We’re not the RNLI or Mountain Rescue Service, prepared to do a dangerous job purely for the benefit of others. The public service cry of the 21st century will be ‘What’s in it for us?'” he cried, clutching a copy of “If it Ain’t Broke – Break It”, by ex Hell’s Angel turned Management Guru, Hugo Z Hackenbush.
Mr Gilchrist finished by explaining that the philosophy of “public service” was radically outdated and people should now recognise firefighters entitlements under the Human Rights Act to minimum periods of “lounging about, playing pool and generally waiting for something to happen.”
Sidebar
Tips to avoid disturbing the fire service
Turn off heating before bedtime. It’s better to be cold than dead.
Don’t smoke roll-ups. You think they’ve gone out – they usually have, but there’s always a first time.
If you have pebble glasses, wear them in bed. The smell of burning will wake you up.
Take the 9v batteries back out of your kids toys. Put them back in the smoke alarms where they were in the first place.
Never leave candles unattended. Get an attendant.
Finally, if you have a fire, first try to put it out yourself. You know it makes sense.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 