Author’s note: Lord of the Rings. You could not avoid it.
Concerns are growing over the use of merchandising and – especially – product placement in the new Lord of the Rings movie “The Two Towers.”
Speaking to a packed press conference, the film’s director, Peter Jackson, dressed as Gimli the Dwarf and wearing a leather jerkin and an enormous horned Viking-style helmet emblazoned with the logo “I’d feel hornier reading Playboy”, defended the film. “We have to recognise the commercial realities of making a hugely expensive trilogy of films such as Lord of the Rings. Without corporate sponsorship we would be unable to even start this type of project, let alone complete it and it’s simply ridiculous to claim that you can’t move without stumbling over something advertising Lord of the Rings. Has everyone tried these KFC Sauron Spicy Chicken Wings? You can see what gives the Orcs their great power when you tuck into one of them.”
However, despite Jackson’s claims that changes to the script to incorporate selected brands into the film were “quite subtle really”, many have complained that the whole venture has wrecked the story. Alarm bells were first sounded when during the Fellowship of the Ring, when the overnight stay of the Frodo and Sam at a rather “lack-lustre bed and breakfast” at Weathertop featured in the book, was replaced with them checking into a Holiday Inn and getting a special “small persons go free” deal offering an extra bed in their room. However, the sequel goes much further. Gandalf the White reads the elvish script at the gates of Mordor and declares that Frodo holds “The one True ring, exclusively available at Tiffanys”. The Fellowship of the Ring no longer eat Lembas the ancient food of the Elves, but now sustain themselves with a food from the ancient line of Burger Kings known as Whoppers and drink the precious nectar known only by the ancient name of “Coca-Cola”.
In the final battle of Helm’s Deep the words “Why not visit New Zealand?” can be clearly seen etched into the side of Mount Doom. Subtle changes in certain characters have also caused top-level comment. The Elf warrior Legolas has been renamed Legoland and he now carries a bow and arrow made entirely of small plastic building bricks. The Riders of Rohan now only wear Rohan clothing and frequently extol an alternative lifestyle of snowboarding, surfing and cycling and Gandalf can clearly be heard uttering the sacred incantation “I feel like Chicken tonight” before his final confrontation with Saruman.
Jackson was unapologetic, however and promised further product placement in the final film. “We are already talking to a whole new brand of sponsors and should be able to really align them with the subtleties of the story. Procter and Gamble have promised that Gandalf really will be transformed from the “Grey” to the “Whitest White” with their washing powder. I’m also particularly look forward to the final scene with Gollum and Frodo wrestling on the lip of Mount Doom, Gollum plunging to his death clutching the ring and a horrified Frodo turning to face the camera and exclaiming “Oh no! I forgot to renew my insurance!” as the Direct Line telephone number appears in the lava that has devoured his foe.
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