Author’s note: I was obviously becoming obsessed with internet porn
Bachelors across the globe celebrated yesterday as scientists at CERN announced the impending arrival of ‘The Grid’ – the next generation in computer networking – to be brought on-line in two weeks.
The Brains Trust spoke to top-level CERN scientist Dr Jonathan Prince Galvo. “The Grid is a revolution in the way we think about computer networking,” he explained excitedly, as he rapidly drew diagrams of concentric circles on his electronic digital display whiteboard. “The grid will take number crunching away from the home computer, offering remote processing power, applications and data storage on demand. Soon, every man will be able to utilise the power of five supercomputers from the comfort of his own home. Just imagine what that could do? Every aspect of your household could be controlled from your bedroom, leaving a man a lot more time to engage in his favourite hobbies,” he continued, now rubbing his hands rapidly up and down front of his white coat.
“The Grid will have research applications as well. Analysing those terabits of particle accelerator data, for one. Decoding genomes, solving inter-related multi-variable problems – piece of cake! But the real question is: why would anyone ever choose to do that when you can spend 24 hours a day watching utterly debased porn and viewing the new 3D-interactive ‘El Burro Farmyard Gangbang’ flick, with full access rotation and variable zoom? It’s fantastic! It really is!”
The government have thus far declined to comment on the development, though an inside source reluctantly revealed that they have dispatched a team of specialists to look into the matter.
“Completely off the record,” she told us, “the team went to look at a prototype version of the Grid, to study the effects of this explicit and deviant imagery being made anonymously available … They were supposed to report back on Thursday, but they’ve locked themselves in the computer centre and won’t come out. We’re getting quite worried … Some goats have vanished too.”
A number of pornographic production companies are organising new releases – so to speak – in anticipation of the projected demand: ‘Sim Cameraman: Blue Movie’, is due for release exclusively to the Grid in late September, and the Grid version of ‘Buffy the Vampire Layer’, is expected to contain many exclusive features, including a ‘Vampire ResErection’ mode and the infamous ‘Buffy gets staked’ scene that was banned from the original DVD release.
The Grid’s designers have already agreed to set aside 25% of the vast system resources for the “storage, development and promulgation” of porn. Dr. Galvo, however, felt that this may not suffice as demand is expected to grow rapidly, particularly when suitable hardware add-ons for the Grid become available “just as soon as we’ve unstuck the pages in the instruction manual.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 