Author’s note: The government’s obsession with controlling all aspects of freedom of speech was starting to pick up pace, with the usual odd responses from its defenders trying to pretend that saying horrible things wasn’t horrible.
The British Government has launched a new initiative promoting the use of happy, peaceful, parent-friendly lyrics in pop music and condemning the use of violent imagery in rap as “more lethal than a magazine of .44 cartridges emptied pitilessly from an Uzi sub-machine gun into an infant’s school.”
David Blunkett made the announcement to a packed House of Commons. He denied knee jerk reactions or petulance in response to the judiciary’s refusal to implement a mandatory 5 year sentence for possession of guns. “It is completely wrong to suggest that because we have shied away from one measure, we have picked on other easy targets that will grab the headlines but make little actual difference,” he claimed as he prepared to launch a bill outlawing the sale of potato guns, water pistols and catapults.
Mr Blunkett continued, “It is clear to all right thinking people that subjecting young people to a torrent of foul mouthed abuse, threats of violence and lewd sexual references is bound to lead to trouble – which is exactly why we try and keep John Prescott away from the under eighteens. However, the profusion of so-called rap music is forcing young men to go out and buy guns, demean women and disrespect authority. It is time to put a stop to it.”
The Government plans to immediately outlaw the use of a large number of words and “incendiary lyrics” and replace them with the librettos from popular operas. Mr Blunkett felt that these would offer positive roles models for young people explaining that they present a wholly different picture to the depravation, violence, poverty and sex featured in rap. “Surely it is not too much to ask that our young people can listen to music and not be confronted with prostitutes, murder, abandoned single mothers and bragging young men boasting about their sexual conquests. Classic operas such as Carmen, Madame Butterfly and Don Giovanni give us this chance. It is also true that a large number of operas are not written in English, which has the added advantage of teaching our youngsters a foreign language.” Mr. Blunkett then concluded with an example by serenading Robin Cook with the aria “Your tiny beard is frozen” from La Boheme.
Surprisingly, many rap artists have welcomed the announcement. Controversial rapper Eminem has already been studying the works of G&S. Speaking to BT dressed as Ralph Rackshaw from HMS Pinafore he explained that the librettos although essentially light entertainment also cleverly highlighted the hypocrisy and corruption of society in a similar way to his own work.” I am looking forward to adapting “I’m Little Buttercup”. Essentially I plan to use the same verses but just add the word fuck a lot. And possibly Ho”
Rap artists have hit back at the Government’s plans claiming that that they are misunderstood and that their lyrics do no harm. “Rap is all about reflecting life on the street and teaching respect” claimed controversial rapper MC Ren of NWA. “Anyone can see that my verse ‘I’m a sniper with a hell of a scope, takin’ out a cop or two, they can’t cope’ shows a thoughtful response to race relations with the Police.
Mr. Blunkett however swept these concerns aside and promised that the Government would continue to crack down hard on offensive elements of youth culture and was looking hard at introducing licensing of flared trousers, text messaging and Gareth Gates.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 