SETI discovers “intelligent life”

Author’s note: I rather like the idea that when we eventually decode a message from space, it turns out to be spam.

SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life, has confirmed that a preliminary analysis of radio transmissions from space has revealed a number coded messages which SETI has been able to translate and which appear to confirm the existence of lifeforms with “some sort of intelligence”

An excited Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush, SETI group leader and emeritus Professor of Screensavers at Oxford University, confirmed that this was likely to prove “the most remarkable discovery of our age”, adding “Does anyone have the address of the Nobel prize committee?”

Professor Hackenbush, now trying on an Ermine robe “just in case. You can’t be too careful who might drop by nowadays”, went on to explain how the SETI system worked. The original plan had been to use the “idle time” from home and office computers to decode radio transmissions via a screen saver. This was then piloted on a target audience of “likely alien advocates” including Star Trek fans, pornography users and “friendless, beardy geeks”. Unfortunately, this group of users, whilst very keen, left their PC’s so rarely that after 6 months operation on 400,000 computers, the project had only managed to decode one transmission that turned out to be a misdirected CB radio message about a hold-up on the M1 near Barnsley.

Professor Hackenbush, then adopted an alternative strategy whereby the screensaver showed favourite clips from Star Trek episodes, played the theme from Star Wars and interlaced it with occasional pictures of hard-core pornography. This led to an immediate uplift in the processing time, although several subscribers collapsed in frustration at not being able to use their computers for fear of missing the infamous “group orgy featuring Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhuru and 14 well-endowed Klingons.”

Professor Hackenbush, now idly musing over his entry for Who’s Who, then went on to reveal that the first message had been interpreted by SETI some time ago but they decided to keep quiet because they weren’t sure what to make of it. The transmission read: “Instant diplomas! Guaranteed, 100% genuine. Available from Betelgeuse Tech., Sirius Poly and De Montfort University.”

The same message has been received well over a million times since then, although not as often as the next one: “Hi, I’m a cute single celled life-form. If you’d like to watch me and some of my bouncy friends divide then why not log onto our web-cam!”

A third message: “Are you a male Quagorg? Would you like to increase the length of your tentacles? Contact our clinic for details,” has been taken on by Professor Hackenbush personally to research.

Professor Hackenbush was able to confirm that the project had to be temporarily halted after the final message – “Lonely Earth-trek fan, fully hermaphrodite, seeks like minded life-form to compare memorabilia, maybe more” had resulted in so many responses from the SETI community that the system had “completely broken down”