Author’s note: I was beaten up by a load of skinheads at a Stranglers concert in Guildford.
A paper published in the scientific journal Nature has confirmed that the large numbers of shaven headed men in the world today are evolving into separate species so that they can exploit new habitats and reduce competition between “fellow slapheads” for scarce resources.
The paper, written by Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush of the Institute of Follicular Studies, claims that shaved heads are now so common amongst the male population that natural selection made evolution into different sub-species “inevitable”. Professor Hackenbush has created a taxonomy showing the clear distinctions that exist between the different types.
“The original ‘root-stock’ was the neo-nazi, typically a dominant male, highly aggressive but with a limited intelligence,” claimed the report. It then identifies new forms as including the “arty type”, “the queer or nancy”, “the cancer patient”, “the hopeless baldy seeking a disguise” and the “brainless fashion victim.”
“The new species are likely to continue to evolve rapidly as it seems unlikely that breeding will occur between these various groups and so they will be forced to interbreed within their own species,” claimed Prof Hackenbush. “Which is lucky for them, as the likelihood of any of these ugly arse heads getting a shag with anyone else is, frankly, zero”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 