Author’s note: Religions of all flavours seem to delight in getting stuck into telling women what to do. This seemed to be a way of highlighting how ridiculous that it. Interestingly, I never finished it.
The Vatican today announced that after “guidance from the good Lord above” that it had decided to ban the “cruel waste of human life” and declare menstruation a mortal sin.
The ban follows on from the church’s opposition to contraception, abortion and most recently stem-cell research. The church has consistently argued that the sanctity of life should extend to the most basic unit of reproduction the single cell from which a human develops. It has now decided to condemn the “frittering away of perfectly good human eggs” by “selfish harlots who should be making greater efforts to turn those eggs into children”
Cardinal Paulo Vincienzi, the Papal spokeman on Brazen Hussies, explained that the church would be providing guidance to women who were in their menstrual cycle. “We have many numbers of priests who are experienced with counselling in sexual matters, although it tends to be young boys. However, many of our Irish priests have direct experience of dealing with young women and Fatherhood. They will be offering personal guidance on how these women can turn their wasted eggs into children”
The Vatican is pushing forward its “Plan for Pregnancy” and will be distributing a Papal letter to be read out at Sunday services. Under this agenda, any woman found to have allowed herself to shamelessly have a period will be condemned to “burn in Hell, praise the Lord”. Cardinal Vincienzi explained that this plan would thus ensure that every egg cell fulfilled its potential to become a human being. “Many people condemned our stance on stem cells as ridiculous. Equating a small ball of cells with a fully formed human being and denying the benefits they could bring was seen as ludicorous. However, we believe that our new stance on menstruation shows how sensible that policy was and how reasonable the Catholic church is in its policy towards reproduction and women.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 