War artists called up by Government

Author’s note: It occured to me that the role of war artists might be somewhat different in the television age.

The Government confirmed today that it was following tradition and appointing a number of war artists to commemorate the great Gulf War in song, verse and image.

“The Government has always been keen to invoke traditions that help us communicate with the public and stir up a feeling of national pride – especially if they don’t cost very much” explained Minster of Culture, Media and Sport Tessa Jowell. Ms. Jowell went onto confirm that as it was expected that this war was likely to be a lot shorter than previous heroic victories, it was decided to employ a new generation of artists working with new media who could “finish their stuff a lot quicker”. This would also reflect current contemporary styles and the “shorter attention span” of today’s generation.

Ms. Jowell then introduced the newly appointed war poet, John Hegley who has already begun work on his “epic limerick cycle – ‘There once was a chap in Baghdad'”. Mr Hegley expects the limerick to span several verses and will cover the pathos, triumph and tragedy that a war carries with it – as well as providing an amusing couplet on Saddam’s misadventures in a punt. “I’ve already started work on the piece,” he confirmed. “Although I’ve got stuck at finding a rhyme for anthrax. Tampax almost works but I’m keen to avoid product names”

For the visual arts the Government has enlisted the services of war artist Rolf Harris. It is anticipated that Mr. Harris’ skills in rapid painting will be useful in capturing fleeing Iraqis or the split-seconds between a daisy cutter bomb exploding and it totally destroying a village. It is also felt that Mr. Harris’ time on Animal Hospital will have acclimatised him to scenes of tragedy as pitifully injured members and friends of a family are bought in for treatment, prior to being put down.

The Government has not restricted itself entirely to traditional media, however. It has also commissioned a number of new works from the visual arts, including television. New programmes include “What not to bomb” with Trinny and Susannah and “Changing Regimes”, in which Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and Carol Smillie suggest makeovers for current despotic dictatorships whereby they agree to sell their oil to the West, not to bomb their neighbours and fit out their presidential palaces with lovely, lovely chintz.

Finally, from the world of music the Government has employed Harrison Birtwhistle to write an atonal, arhythmic war symphony. Commenting on the decision, Ms Jowell explained that even if the symphony did not meet public approval, they could always play it at full volume in Baghdad and use it to “scare the Hell out of Saddam.”