Author’s note: There were all sorts of dodgy connections between the Bush administration and the various military contractors. The logical conclusion?
The US Government has announced ambitious plans to privatise warfare and is expected to be in a position to invite tenders for “mass slaughter” from private companies towards the end of the year.
The plans, which have been formulated by right-wing think tank The Heritage Foundation, found favour with President George Bush, after it became apparent that the large cost of the Iraq invasion would cause significant damage to his tax cutting agenda.
Original plans were to outsource a large number of non-core military activities, such as logistics, to private companies. However, the report by the think tank points out that this will only save a comparatively small amount of money and postulates “cutting out the middle man and letting private companies do all the fighting for us.” The companies would issue tenders to fight each other in specific conflicts that would be televised. Embedded correspondents would be provided to both sides and alliances between media organisations and the “death industry” would be encouraged to ensure maximum relevance of news footage and the “tailoring of warfare solutions to meet customer expectations”
Mr. Bush, made an impassioned defence of the strategy, explaining that the US had already had made some abortive attempts to move into the export market for fighting, such as the Bay of Pigs, but that his country had fallen behind in the terror stakes. “For too long now we have relied on foreign imports of terror, with other countries taking a lead in this field. Well no longer. With these initiatives I am confident that the US can become a net exporter of terror. We can and will build on our success in Iraq to become the market leader in mayhem, the de facto standard for quality killing”
It is anticipated that whilst companies managing the wars would have headquarters in the US, the “manufacturing locations” would be offshore operations, situated in third world countries. Speaking on behalf of Lockheed Martin, one of the companies expected to bid for the privatised combat, Sales Director Bill Lamwhiel dismissed concerns that these countries would not welcome massed battles in their territory. “Many of these far-away countries would be happy to receive American know how and US dollars. They have picturesque locations ideal for televised conflict and a well-educated workforce able to speak English whilst fighting, dying and making that all important tearful last farewell to their old Mom back home. They will also work for much smaller amounts of money bringing massive efficiencies in our operations. And let’s face it, these guys are used to it, they’re always hacking one another to pieces in some pointless conflict or another.”
Other sectors, too, are expected to bid for particular wars and will provide innovative approaches to conflict. Tobacco companies are postulating a longer-term strategy, featuring a series of battles with protagonists attempting to kill one another with secondary smoke. Lawyers are experimenting with boring their opponents to death and some French companies are attempting to kill their enemies by eating large amounts of garlic and then “breathing on them.” “We tried conventional methods, but our guys couldn’t get the hang of picking up guns without immediately dropping them again,” claimed Phillipe de Vallance, Chief Executive of Thales.
It is expected that private corporations will be able to adapt to the new market sector relatively quickly. Much corporate strategy adopts a similar approach at the moment with “headcount reduction” and the removal of “excess personnel”. Management handbooks are filled with the jargon of war and some senior executives believe that being sent to a third world country to fight in a brutal conflict may seem a pleasant alternative for staff working in call centres or textile factories.
If the plan is a success, it is expected that other forms of violence will be outsourced. Police are already looking at privatising both murder and the violent arrest of suspects, thereby capturing “both ends of the supply chain”. Further initiatives would include muggings, assault and rape, the latter of which is already considered a core competency for a many of the world’s largest corporations
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 